We make appointments, meetings because of time. How can we meet if we don’t refer to time? We look at our wrist watches or mobile phones to see what time is it as otherwise we would feel lost.
How about when we refer to time not as hours or seconds but rather years? Today we wish to refer to time when it comes to a relationship between a woman and a priest. To write frankly, there are many women out there who simply keep hoping that one day their priest may decide to marry them and form a family. In this context we wish to refer to time as the time needed for the priest to give his final, honest answer to the woman’s proposal.
Being a married priest site, it doesn’t mean that all priests are good for marriage! Maybe it would be possible for some of them when they make some radical transformations in their life! We are not on a witch hunt to look for all priests and to get them married. We are in favour of optional celibacy. We are aware that most of the priests never dreamt of falling in love with a woman. The same goes for some of the women who feel trapped in this Ecclesiastic net. Yet these things happen to all but especially to priests who are leading a lonely life. Priests were trained in theology and philosophy but they did not receive any instructions when it comes to emotions, relationships, middle age life crisis etc….in most cases
As a married priest website we’re not in favour of clandestine relationships, at least as a permanent solution. This is because in our experience, the relationship with a priest from the point of view of the woman is not a joke. She invests all her energy, emotions, spirituality etc….It’s not kind to take her for a ride. On the priest’s part we are aware that the stakes are very high too. In this sense we don’t support priests who simply keep their woman hanging on.
Any relationship has to grow or else it dies. We can refer to the example of a plant. We cannot force it to remain a plant but it has to grow into a tree. If not, it will surely die. We wish to emancipate the women in order to be strong enough to call for an ultimatum to their priests: When are you going to decide what to do with your life?
Most priests will try to avoid a fixed date for various reasons. They would answer….I still have to talk to….Give me another year till I finish…….the Superior told me to wait for another year….the list of lies is endless. To add insult to injury the priest might be in a new relationship with another woman!
But this is where time plays an important part. Time is the ruler with which women can be sure of their love. If he thinks that his work is more important, or that what the people/his family might say is more important, than he is not worthy of your love. The woman cannot wait for ever. Maybe her biological clock is already ticking away….We are of the opinion to put a reasonable date for the priest to decide. Beyond that, it’s all a waste of time and energy.
Now we know that in most cases the woman does all the thinking about the attitude of her priest, their relationship, their future etc…whilst the priest is a happy go lucky guy. On the other hand some priests do send conflicting messages. At times they are so loving, understanding, romantic etc… that the woman might think that the great decision is not far away. In other days, he is back to a severe man who does not want any type of relationship with any woman! This puts the woman in a dilemma unable to decipher the kind of relationship she has with the priest. She cannot understand how priests can be so cruel, incredibly difficult to understand and as cold as ice at times.
It’s because the priest is trained to rationalise his actions: on one hand there is his inner true self (loving one) fighting for survival, on the other hand there is the traditional teaching (No woman as a friend) he received during his training years. Hence it’s like having dual personality.
In most cases the woman, who is madly in love, is deeply hurt. Surprisingly she keeps hoping notwithstanding the harsh treatment by her beloved priest. We know that the longest journey in the world is between the mind and the heart. We know too that it’s so difficult to convince somebody who is in love that his love is going onto the rocks.
It’s so difficult to explain to many women that the final answer will never come in most cases! It has been so difficult to drive the point home. But how can one understand the attitude of women who keep hoping against all hope? It seems that most of the them keep living in the clouds for too many years. Although we’re speaking to an international readership where it’s so difficult to generalise, yet our experience teaches us that if the priest does not decide within the first year, most probably he will never say yes.
Hereafter it makes sense to propose a fixed time frame in which the priest has to give a final answer. Obviously no ifs or any other kind of excuses would suffice. When the time frame expires, than it will be the time to move on for the woman. We hope of being of a good guide to the many women who write to us, week after week. We are trying to give a message to all.
We are still of the opinion that when they do click together, than the whole Catholic community sees the fruit of a healthy relationship. A happy married priest is like a happy worker: he will work more and more to the benefit of the surrounding community.