In our blog we wish to write what others are thinking deeply in their minds…can I have a friendship with a priest? We wish to let the readers express their opinions. Let’s hear what YOU have to say.

I’m Clarice. Well, as I searched almost the same thread, I also tag myself among you but quite different. I happened to be very close to many priests. Actually, I used to enjoy the fatherly love and affection. But, there is a priest with whom I’m very different. He is Rev Silas. We studied together and I was always like a shadow to the Reverend. Of course, I liked him and it’s been almost seven long years now. But, last year I started to doubt my love when I heard he might get a transfer to a foreign nation, until then I was happy and blissful the relationship I have with him.

Well, it’s not a romantic relationship. I was comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to hug him and kiss him as I used to be with my Dad. And I used to say how much I do love him, and he knows that. I never had a second thought or fantasy on it. I used to tell each and everything to him. One time, we shared the same bed with not even a single touch. There was nothing called romance or anything. We used to fight a lot and everyone knows how much we do care for each other. Twice in a year we met all these last six and half years. Even his fellow priests know. Until he left to another country, I didn’t realize that it was going to be that difficult for me to live without him.

Last year, I started to recognize that I loved him so much that I could forget my boy friend that I wanted to get married to.
I started to dig why do I love him so much, I found no reason. In fact, I started to love him when I met him for the first time in the university campus. And, it’s not just I liked, I loved him even from the first time that we met, I’m sure. I didn’t find anything special about him to like so much. But, I felt relived and happy whenever he smiled at me. And, the happiest days become crabby when he used silence as weapon. Everyone get pissed off with my stories about him.

Well, I used to keep a distance between us even though I’m a possessive type of person. But, he could easily break all those barriers. He is someone who can guess how far I can move without him. He never deleted not even one single message that I had sent to him.

I was really having a beautiful life, amidst of all tragedies I walked through, because I knew his smiles can make me the happiest. All my folks know how much I care for him. I don’t care if they tease me with his name. But after the fight we had last time, I didn’t talk to him for almost six months and then, I started to fall sick almost every week. Finally, I couldn’t try too hard to ignore him, I was sorry about the fight I had started… he too never tried to reconcile with me. Finally, before he left he came just to meet me… That was the day I realized how much I’m going to miss him and how much we love each other. I couldn’t keep my tears any longer, and he hugged me. Almost three four hours we were in hug. Even then, I didn’t realize it’s going to be something I have been feared. Well, it was not a romantic scene though. Our intentions were not impure. But, finally he said he is getting some other thoughts and it made me broken.

Now, when I think back to the past, I feel it is that ‘love’ which happened between us. I might not be matured enough to know this or I didn’t want it to be like this. Now, I’m really a mess. Because I know it’s very difficult for me to live without him and I know he loves me a lot. Even if we didn’t confess to each other. We both know this is what it is. I was someone who always prayed for his saintly priesthood. Now, I became someone who partly wish that he could have married me. My friends started to force me to confess this to him. But, I love him so much to realize I’ll be putting him in trouble. The scenario in my place is too different if a priest leaves his priesthood. Rumours, hatred, social struggles, family problems, and it will cause him to lose his comfortable life.

But, now, I have to act as I don’t realize what love we feel each other. And I should irritate him and fight with him as I used to be. Otherwise, he may lose his self-esteem thinking that I knew what his love was. He started to avoid communicating with me. I tried to move on ignoring him too. But, if I don’t send an ‘I love you’ message to him, I feel as if I don’t want to do anything at all in life. These last three days, I forgot to take care of myself as I tried not to communicate with him.
Please suggest to me how can I come out of this disordered love. It kills me day & night.