Today we speak of transparency, human rights, customer rights etc. We have slowly built a way in our civilisation in order to avoid mistakes, especially some particular mistakes. We have several examples of in-house or outside the house checking of standards. We have several steps, for litigation to take place correctly, in case the customer is not satisfied 100%. This is all done in order to ensure the best satisfaction between sellers and buyers.
Now in the church, we have a rather large area which is commonly called the grey area. There are several instances where the parishioners ask for a personal appointment with the pastor (or parish priest). This is all cloaked in secrecy. How can one be transparent when all is done in great secrecy? It’s like a secret agent accusing his employer of something. It is common understanding that what passes on between the priest and the parishioner remains so forever. How can one accuse the priest of something?
That’s why the silence which is commonly understood between the priest and the parishioner, could be used in the wrong way by the priest or the hierarchy (top people) of the church.
Most of the time, the people who have suffered an emotional abuse, feel themselves still bound by the secrecy act. In our experience, it has been very hard to instil confidence in people who have been abused in order to come forward. Secrecy seems to be a word which is written in the heart of Christians.
Some are still of the opinion that they might damage the church so it’s better to remain silent. Now, if one looks at the big picture, the day after might become more damaging to the church. If some insist on washing dirty linen inside, what is the way forward if everything is in great secrecy and no visible change is noticed? If no action is taken, then there would be no other alternative but to speak to ‘outsiders’ in order to do justice in the church.
Others are afraid of coming forward because that they are partly to blame for the budding love story between themselves and the priest. Speaking about relationships it is rather sticky as it involves lots of emotions, physical characteristics, thinking, growth, empathy etc.…It’s not so easy to pardon oneself and move forward elsewhere. On the other hand, people tend to get stuck with an abusive relationship, rather than having no relationship at all!
Most probably the guilt feeling would add more misery to the person involved as it keeps the person from speaking out. I feel guilty too so I have no right to speak of…..Well the time will come when they will realise that most probably the priest has abused his place and role and used the person for his own egoistic needs. The priest is the one who holds authority and law in his work. He is the one who should know all the boundaries. He is a role figure to many Christians. People would obey him owing to the fact that he is the priest or God (in their minds). This notwithstanding the fact, that falling in love with the priest creates a spiritual nightmare. Yet obedience blinds the person to any other practical consequences. In some cases, the woman, due to the obedience factor, took off her clothes.
The technological part has been abused too. Today it’s so easy to get to know people just by sending an sms, email etc. Again, it’s all done in the name of secrecy. In some cases, the woman was in bed with her husband (albeit sleeping!), whilst texting sexual messages to her priest. It seems to be not real for the common reader or totally foolish or disgusting. For those who have fallen in love, see things differently. They are being pushed around by their priest and it is all being done in great secrecy!
One final surprising reason is that the woman involved most probably truly loved her priest. In no way she is going to jeopardise the priest’s role in society! Love drives people to do the most incredible actions! This is one of them. “I know the priest abused me emotionally….but I still love him!” “Don’t ask me to start criminal proceedings against him. I won’t accuse him of anything!”
Lastly but surely not the least reason, there is still a great area which is not being given its due importance. How can we regulate the priest-parishioner in order to avoid silly mistakes especially when secrecy is so deeply embedded? This is not just the creation of courts, lawyers etc.… but rather a holistic education to all. The more we speak about it, the more we should learn from such experience. Our aim in this blog is to talk about what goes on between the parishioner and the priest in order to clarify many situations and avoid a lot of hurt, especially an emotional one.
We are happy that our blog has been in the forefront in order to help people speak about this kind of secrecy where most people suffer in silence. We thank all those who have published their story because in doing so, they have helped so many others. Some people could not give a name to their ‘silent story’. Now thanks to some stories they have become more aware of so many aspects of their past relationship with a priest. Hopefully they move forward in a healthy way. So let’s uncover all the secrets whispered in an inappropriate way!
I love this article. No more secrecy.
You know Rev, I’ve given this topic a lot of thought. After the priest who was in love with me went batty on me in public, he’d already built up a group so directed to and focused on him who were willing to turn from an obvious wrong that he’d done, and then not only that, but redirect all animosity towards me who’d done absolutely nothing wrong. I had friends at the time who were too afraid to speak up, who told me afterwards “I was so shocked, and everything happened so quickly, I didn’t know what to do”. The remaining people who were present who’d been good friends of mine for years turned on me in two seconds and threw everything out, and to this day treat me with a covert hostility and coldness.
I kept wondering, what the heck happened? I felt like I was in the twilight zone, it was very strange. And I’ve realized, apart from the fact that human beings are imperfect and that the demonic is always trying to cripple the Church and keep it from being effective, the people – the lay people, compromise in their relationships with God. The heart knows – if every serious Catholic were to sit and honestly ask themselves if all is well in the Church, their hearts would inform them that indeed all is not well. But they’re stuck in their comfort zones. So long as the system doesn’t bite them, they’ll stay comfy and most won’t budge too far. They’ll continue seeking to please and receive praise from the hierarchy. Those “unfortunates” who just don’t quite measure up to standards, or who find themselves in opposition to the whole illusion (I was to this priest by my very presence), will always be scapegoats. It’s funny how, those are the people our Lord Jesus sought out and spent his time with.
But like the Hebrews in Egypt, God is never deaf to our cries. As you said Rev, people have been forced to go outside the Church for help cleaning up the mess in house. And is it not telling that God always humbled Israel for it’s disobedience by allowing foreign pagan nations to conquer it? Given all the outside opposition to the wrongs in the Church, I would argue God still makes good use of these same avenues.
I hate, yes hate the state of the Church, and sometimes I get impatient for change and justice, but I do trust that God will see done what is necessary that she may be a light to the nations once again. I believe we’ve already seen the first fruits of this. We just have to, especially myself, trust Him unreservedly, and be unwilling to compromise our relationships with Him and leave no room for the lies of men and demons. Because the most dangerous movement isn’t “god-less” its false religion in the guise of the true way Jesus showed us.
Most people don’t fight the top people in their religion because they are afraid to live on their own. It’s like when people in Europe were afraid to venture outside the Mediterranean sea, thinking that beyond the known sea there was nothing.
Well most healthy and intelligent people are living outside the ‘official church’. Let’s be positive and talk to people. Let’s break the conspiracy of silence. If we talk to the heart, people would listen. Educating people in the religious sense takes much longer. The fruits won’t be seen immediately.
In the gospel, Jesus looked for people who were marginalised from society. He wasn’t afraid of mixing with these people. He believed in people. He formed the first working groups – apostles. By the way, most of his apostles were married. Let’s live according to the gospel!
Info on how to change my email address
Sent you a private email. Please check your spam folder too. May God bless you!
Since reading this article, I wonder, how do we bring about change? How do we end secrecy? I’m stumped.
As a starting point one can always write her/his opinion on this blog. Than there are other websites, newspapers, magazine to whom one can write about married priests.
One can talk with relatives, friends, co-workers etc. There is no one size fits all for everybody. One has to study his/her situation to see how one can pass on the message. Don’t look for an extraordinary effort. Just doing some simple things would be already a great step forward.
When I visited a family recently I emphasized on the fact that most of the apostles were married. I think showing the link with the initial church is very important as otherwise they might think we’re heretics and inventing something new!
God bless you for looking for a practical solution. Let’s pray a lot for married priests. Prayer can unlock all sorts of doors!
Hello everyone,
I’ve got a big problem, cause I think recently very seriously about one thing. Is it possibile that God indicate us this man even that this person is unapproachable for us? Can God show us that this person plays an important role in our life despite of the fact that we can’t be toghether and that he has got a different vocation? Trust me that I don’t demand that he leave life chosen by him, but they’are sometimes the moments in my life when he turns up or things that have got sometnong common with him. These situations are when I ask God what to do. Am I stupid or silly? If God can do something like that? Maybe they are not signs from God? I don’t understand sometimes…thanks for help
Thanks for writing. Please note that there is nothing wrong in you. It’s an experience which calls for discernment. Did you talk to him in a heart to heart manner?
Readers please give in your feedback. On the other hand I’m going to pray for you so you’ll be able to take a sound decision.
’m so happy that you responded to my message, thank you so much.
I think that the relationships like these are very complicated and very often they are deprived of egoism and shallows arguments for love. Furthermore, I claim also that women who love in this way, they must be really fragile and noble. They’are able to sacrifice much more that these women who have got a “normal” man. They can’t be always close to men so crucial for them. It’s so painful, unfair and beautiful in the same time. More, I don’t understand why these women are always thought like the worst, who want only to devoid priest a vocation. These situations are much more difficult. The funniest is that women who are in these situations, do much more that women who are living in normal relationships with men.
Thank you that you don’t me judge and you said that there’re nothing wrong with me, that you understand, You’re priest?
Yes, I talk to him, but I didn’t say that I love him or something like that, I just said that he was important in my life (cause he saved me from the worst time in my life). I argued with him about some things, he was angry with me. On the next day he was for me so kind and he his words was friendly. He said that I can relay on him. There were much more situations and things to say, but I feel bad writing it on the site (too personal).
There are situations that he avoids me but there are that he helps me like nobody. It’s really very hard for me.
Can women love the man like that forever? Maybe I’m stupid but I believe it.
How can I explain this love? Maybe God wants to show me something, but what exactly? I very often cry, cause if I were a normal girl like my friends, I’d be much more happy.
Thank for your help.
Greetings!
I’ve sent you a private message. Please check your spam folder too.
Rev., may I suggest that you or Bella re-post her story as a separate entry, so that others may get involved in the discussion and come up with their insights? Here, as a comment to a relatively old post, it shall pass unnoticed to many who visit this website.
I sent an invitation. Now it’s up to here to say yes or no. We do respect the freedom of our readers. Thanks for the idea. It was a great one. May God bless you!