Hello my name is Jackie. I met my priest (Maximilian) last 2009. I was a freshmen student back then. We had a project in our Religious Education subject, a church involvement where we had to render some hours in serving/ helping in a church. He was the parish priest of the church that time. I was with a group of five, all girls. That’s the first time we met. After that day, I never got the chance to see him even if he was a professor in that same university I am studying with. 

It was in 2010 when my classmates, who were my group mates on the project , had planned to visit him and thank him in allowing us to do our project in his parish. That was when our communication started. Days before our scheduled visit to him, I had my facebook status of the lyrics of a song just changing the word “girl” to “boy”. This is my exact status: Don’t love me for fun boy, Let me be the one boy, Love me for a reason, Let the reason be love… I had no other intentions but to tell boys to love all the girls they’re in relationship with. However he liked my status and left a comment that he likes the way I changed “girl” to “boy”. He also said that it was one of his favorite songs before. So I teased him that he might remember someone which made him relate with the song and I asked him to tell the story. He said that it was so many years ago already. He also said that before, whenever he hears the song he would remember that someone. But now, whenever he hears the song, it’s me he’s going to remember. So I asked him to sing the song during our visit to him and he accepted and started practicing there and then. I felt happy but honestly I never felt anything special because I never thought of anything more because for me it was just a friendly conversation. 

On the day of our visit, we shared many stories. My group mates and his companions in the convent sang many songs. I am not a good singer and I am a very shy person so I never had plans of singing and I never sang at all. But he kept his promise. He sang the song for me, not only once but many times. I felt somehow special but still no malice at all. 
After that day, we communicated more often. Another party was held and some of the professors in our school including one of our professor before were present. We had fun the whole night. He even accompanied me and my classmates home (whenever he invites us, it’s not only me but our group who happened to be my classmates and friends). When I arrived home, I texted him thanking him for inviting us and for accompanying me and my friends home. He did not reply so I got worried because he was drunk when he drove us home. He answered my call and said that he was driving when I texted so he wasn’t able to answer. I asked him why it took him so long to reach his house and he said that he already arrived at their house few minutes ago however he and his companion had some misunderstanding so he decided to leave and go to his brother’s house who happened to live very far from his place. But because I called, he said that he learned that he left his driver’s license so he’s not going to push through with his plans of going to his brother and just talk to me over the phone instead. He thanked me and said that I was his angel because if I didn’t call him he might be driving without noticing that his license was not there. We talked for a while until he decided to go home. When he arrived home, he called again and we talked until the wee hours. He calls me by my name and I really don’t like people who call my name. I always ask them to call me by my nickname and I told him that. But with my surprise he called me by my nickname with “my”. Like for example my nickname is Pretty. He called me “nkyPretty”. He even asked me if I got a crush on him and I answered him no. Because honestly that was the truth at that time. 

That was a turning point because we started to chat, to text and to talk over the phone very much often than before. One time, my professor who happened to be his friend asked him to go out and have some drinks. To his surprise, that professor asked him to go out because he wanted to ask my priest to help him with me. They talked many things and after their session, he called me and told me about it. However he did not tell me everything over the call. Instead he sent me a message in facebook. He said that when the time the professor confessed to him about his feelings for me, he also thought of how he feels for me. That’s the time I got aware that there was something more between us. He said that I am special to him and that he is happy because of me. So that was when I started to think about everything that happened and that was happening. That’s the time that we both said that we treat each other special. That started that whenever he invited us on a party he I would always be the last that he would drive home because we would go to other place first have some coffees and talk some more (usually parties were held because of Birthdays of his companions in the convent). We can only do that whenever there is a party. However there came a time that even if there is no party, we agreed to go out. That’s the first the he held my hands. I felt kilig. That started our hang outs together. But we never kissed. We never hugged. Just holding hands. 

Since then, we texted more often because that was our way of conversation. Less calls but more texts. However, by the end of 2013 to early 2014 I felt that our communication became infrequent. We didn’t see each other that often, I had lesser calls from him. He would only call whenever I would ask him to. I would always understand him because those were the times that he was sent to other parish without good reasons and that he felt it was unfair for him many factors made him different. He was not the joyful person I met. He got angry easily, he got irritated just for simple reasons and he became less sweet than before. I felt that something has really changed but I never told him about how I felt.

One day, my friends and I met in one of my friends house. We drank and had conversations until one of them asked me if I had something to tell/ share to them. I had no idea of what they were talking about until one them told me that they know that there is something going on between me and my priest. I had no excuse so I told them everything. They asked me what was my plan. So I told them that I really don’t know, maybe stop the relationship that we have. My struggle that time was that I didn’t know what kind of relationship we really had. So after that, when I arrived home I texted him about what happened. He decided to meet me and talk about the real thing between us. But that night, he said that we would have a a platonic relationship. Not just an ordinary one, but something deeper and more special.

We met in a restaurant. We talked with both of us having our own printed research about platonic relationship. He discussed more and I just listened a lot. He told me that the platonic relationship that we have is not like the ordinary meaning of that of Plato. Something that is deeper and more spiritual. He said that we were not committed. That if ever we go beyond that romantic relationship we might be like his priest friends who made wrong decisions because instead of making their relationship better, it became worse. Because of people’s acceptance and many more factors. He also said that whenever I choose to get into a relationship I can do it anytime. That he doesn’t have the right to get angry, jealous etc.. I felt sad and I was hurt because I felt like it was very easy for him to say all that. We finished our conversation right away because he had prior important commitments which gave us limited time to talk. However we agreed that we have talked what our agenda was and that everything was clear. Honestly, I had so many questions that I wasn’t able to ask. And until now, I didn’t give a try to ask. 

I believe that what I am feeling for him is true love. I already told him about someone I had  relationship with when I was in high school but don’t consider it as first love. Puppy love maybe because I was very young that time. I was only able to learn/feel what true love is, that was how I feel for him. I love him dearly. He is the only person who opened my heart into extreme emotions. An emotion of extreme happiness and sadness. 

The problem now is that since the day I felt our relationship dropped. Less communication, less stories, less conversation. Just good morning and good night. I want to tell him how I feel. Almost five years of relationship and until now, I still can’t tell him I love him. I want to tell him that. This might give me a big relief but I am not certain of what will happen next. I am already exploding inside. He may not have any idea of what I am feeling and this might be a surprise for him. I really tried my best to keep this but I failed. I can not fake what my heart feels. What should I do?

By the way, he’s already assigned in his hometown just last year. And to be able to go to his hometown, I have to ride a plane. But because of my job I can go to his place anytime because of my benefit of free tickets. I already asked him twice if I could visit him but he had many reasons to refuse. I never asked him again because I only get hurt. I am afraid that if I ask him again, I might get the same response. However, just last week, I was really surprise to see his pictures in facebook with his friends, they were some of the choirs from his assigned parish before he transferred to his hometown. I already met some of them during those parties where he invited us before. I was really upset that he can entertain them and give them time while he would always reject my visit. I am anxious about us and every negative feeling it gives me.. 

Hello readers! How are we going to answer for yet another love story involving an adult woman and a priest? Please let’s put ourselves in her shoes. There is no place for judgement nor orders about what to do. How about sharing our experience ? May God bless you all.

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