If there is something which is common to all people, then that would be relationships. Nobody was born in a vacuum. In many cases one was born by the act of love of two people. At least one adult took care of her/him. He/she learned the basics of a relationship.
A relationship starts when we meet people. We get to know the name; where one lives; where one works etc…..The more sharing of information takes place, the more it makes one’s relationship deeper.
Why are thinking about relationships in this Easter week? First of all, it was the most tragic week for the apostles. They saw Jesus doing incredible miracles (like waking up the dead, walking on water, giving sight to blind people…). Yet all of a sudden they witnessed His death. Their relationship with Jesus seemed to stop forever. They lost all hope of changing the fate of the Jewish people. The Romans were still there. What has changed then?
The unmarried priest is nowadays sent from one parish to another. He has barely time to come to grips with the situation, when suddenly he is moved to another parish. His timetable is surely packed 200%. He sees people just to administer sacraments, give his ‘expert’ opinion about the spiritual life….and that’s it. At the end of the day he is all alone. Who knows about his internal struggles and loneliness? Can he be the shepherd and show fragility? Will the parish community see him as a holy priest albeit with personal difficulties and sins?
We repeat, it’s not the urge to have sex which drives a priest beyond of what is expected of him. It is rather this emptiness to belong to someone. The feeling of being a parcel at the post office which is being sent from one place to another with no emotional attachment! Belonging is something which makes part of the human being. One may call it a basic human need.
We have heard countless priests telling their own stories. These priests are saints. They are fighting a huge battle which most people do not understand. We simply pay attention when ‘sex’ comes in the story. Most journalists are not interested in what happened before or after!
How can a priest, who is not in relationship, speak to us about a relationship with a hidden and unseen God? We can understand the difficulty of the apostles who have been sitting next to Jesus and who all of a sudden was gone. But what about people who have never seen God? How can we nurture a true and deep relationship with our God?
We can’t live without one single, significant relationship. Now this is the achilles heel in the priest’s life. He does not belong to anybody in the parish. He can easily bury the problem by adding more work. Some might indulge in heavy drinking or smoking. Others might go travelling around the world in the most exotic resorts! Some of them invite women to their bed. The latter are the ones who make news items really interesting!!!
It’s a vicious circle because actually they are looking for a full time relationship. Yet in their early years in the seminary (the place where young candidates for priesthood are educated), they were lectured (or bombarded) by the message that any relationship is wrong! In some places, priests remember the advice in order not to talk to a woman alone! The only exception is during confession!!!!
Partially it explains the hot and cold attitude of the priest when getting a deep relationship. It’s something that he has no experience of yet he feels helpless. Most probably he wants to run away until the feeling of not belonging comes in again and he starts all over again.
The eternal truth is that one can’t be in a true, lasting relationship if it’s not a deep one! So it explains a lot about the odd behaviour of the priest!! He wants one thing without the other…which is humanely impossible.
When we speak in favour of married priesthood, we are changing all this. Now priests too are people who aren’t in favour of change especially when it touches their deeper self being! They need their time to understand what’s involved and why.
We should present our married priesthood not simply as a solution to avoid sex scandals! But it’s an answer to a deep yearning for inner peace. Any human being needs to be loved, taken care of, and to feel secure with one person who knows him/her inside out.
In the present life, both in the parish and outside (the rest of the population), love and sex have been taken out from a relationship. In that case the relationship dies a natural death. It’s no wonder that some women complain that they are being used as an object! Sex would be simply the meeting of two ‘foreign’ bodies! Love would be translated as simply touching the outside layer of the person (the body).
One of the advantages of married priesthood would be that they would be in a better shape to guide, coach and train other people in how to nourish properly a relationship! Let’s hope that the Risen Christ would guide us to have better relationships by having the example of the married priest!
Going on vacation to foreign countries and inviting women to bed. Complaining about his loneliness but despising me in all shape or form after having a brief affair. That’s what my (ex) priest did to me and is still doing (going on vacations- sleeping with women- going to clubs).
Mary2~
I am sad to read this. Please find comfort in knowing he is no longer involved with you; imagine marriage with him? He is the predator type, and most likely, he would be that type of man with or without the collar! He took advantage of you.
Prayers for you, Mary2!
~Marshmallow
PS- It is hard to fathom how a Priest can even afford trips abroad or clubbing. Just icky. And then the heart-break to hear of the duplicity and deceit he lives by. This is not love; this guy loves only himself, and his Bishop needs to hear of this.
I don’t know how he manages to travel in faraway countries…it’s awkward. I have written my story in another article of the blog. The bishop knows everything and does nothing.
I know this is not love and that he only loves himself. He says it explicitly.
Yes, he is not involved with me anymore, thank God.
Mary2,
Can you calculate how many priests are involved in illicit relationships? If the bishops take action, I’m afraid that very few priests will remain in the monastery or parishes!!!
Happy Easter to all our readers!
@daniel:
Of course I know how many of them are involved. I don’t even mind if the bishop did nothing.
I agree, it’s not the urge to have sex that drives the priest to seek more than what is expected of him in the Church. We, single people, know what’s it’s like to feel the loneliness at times, but at least we know that we can end it if and when we find someone to be with. I cannot imagine what’s it’s like to be someone who has to go against what is a basic human need and say “yes” to be forever with no one. No one to be vulnerable with and totally himself with. It’s not ‘normal’ nor ‘healthy’ to try drown or smother his pain, or his sorrows, or even his joys. Sorrows, joys, or any other feelings are meant to be shared openly with someone he trusts fully and where he can be himself. Otherwise, with time, he too will drown… To have better priests, they too need that basic need met. Great article, Daniel.
Most of the priests I know are not lonely. They have a lot of blood family and parishioners who love them, and they have to turn down social invitations because they have too many. And there are very happy lay single men and widowers who have full lives. No one has a perfect life with every need fulfilled. Not even married people.
Being in a crowd does not exempt one from loneliness! Besides being popular but not having anyone on an intimate sense (ie to share your deeper secrets) can be so frustrating. The article tried to illuminate readers about the frustration of having a lot of people besides you, but you can’t call anybody your own!
With all due respect, I don’t think you have understood what the article tried to drive home.
Excellent article Father Daniel.
And good job expressing the profound loneliness that priests feel despite being surrounded by people. They lack that emotional intimacy connection that is so important to their emotional growth and well being.
Jessica was not making a blanket statement or implying that social invitations prevent loneliness; she merely said, and I quote: “Most of the Priests *I* know are not lonely.”
I think Jessica *does* understand the article perfectly well but was expounding on only those Priests within her circle.
Most of the Priests that are brought into this blog have disrespectful, abusive and aberrant behavior but are held in higher esteem than *some* of the writers.
Sometimes when I feel the loneliest is when I am too busy and too surrounded by people. It’s then that I see how in this life people are very much centered on themselves and their projects, and don’t really care about others in a deep sense. They go about their daily lives, business, posting on facebook, or other social media, all their positive stuff to make it look like they are not lonely or that they have super fulfilled lives, when in reality, it’s not the case. Many say ”hello how are you” to people around them, but don’t really want to have the answer other than “fine thanks, and you?” But the deep, close, relationships are the most rare and precious ones that one can have. Hence, the importance of living ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ are to find at least one person to be themselves with: show vulnerability, fears, sadness, etc. When I am surrounded by many, I see this and these thoughts and feelings resurface in me, and cause some pain in my heart. For my mental health, it is much more beneficial for me to be in the company of one friend that I can be myself with, than a whole group of people that I know, and I enjoy it much more.
A priest surrounded by many people or receiving many invites, does not mean he is ‘himself’ with his hair down with any of them.
True, true.
I agree that no one has a perfect life, but not being loved or even befriended for who he IS as opposed to the man who wears a *Roman Collar* is an enormous burden that seems to become more apparent as the Priest ages. In my opinion, emotional *Celibacy* is more cruel and inhuman than physical chastity. I have witnessed the angst of loneliness that a Priest lives.
Ordination to the Priesthood is glamorous when one is his twenties~ all the promises of unconditional acceptance and respect, but as the years clamor on those gifts seemingly do not make-up for love, compassion and companionship…a life stuck in the desert beyond the forty days of Lent!
Being “busy” and surrounded by a lot of different people can’t actually make one feel lonelier , if there is only empathy verses intimacy. This can highlight the void in their own life. I feel many retreat the opposite path of a more introverted life , which may explain much of the “distant treatment “
They build walls so as not to feel any emotions.
Guess they think it’s less painful that way.
Excuse…
I meant …CAN make one feel lonelier
This conversation is making me cry. He drew me in, became emotionally involved with me, scared himself because this was a new experience he couldn’t deal with, and then withdrew and put up a wall. He’s still hiding behind the wall. All I can think of to say is: “Father, tear down your wall!”
I hear you weep. Very well said: “Tear Down Your Wall!” (Reagan; that dates us, Belle.) Keep the faith, dear friend.
~Marshmallow
PS: Reagan is probably weeping now at the road our beloved nation has been dragged onto!
Yes, when Nikki mentioned the wall I immediately thought of President Reagan saying: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!,” And it was done. So why can’t these priests of ours, who had these walls built around their hearts in the seminary, tear down their walls and learn to love like real men? They don’t understand what the Bible teaches. God created us male and female with the specific instructions to love one another. He created us for LOVE, NOT for the stupid rule of celibacy, which totally wrecks the man by the time he is in his 40s and realizes he is growing older ALONE, all alone, celebrating marriages and watching the happy couples in his parish, celebrating 50th anniversary wedding vowel renewals, and on it goes. He watches from the sidelines. And he is alone. Wake up bishops and Pope Francis and allow these men to lead fulfilling lives. They will be much better priests, you will see.
Brokenheart
I am praying that he comes back to you and allows you to love him.
Thank you Cat for your prayers! That would be wonderful for both of us if he tears down his wall that surrounds his heart, the wall that was built when he was 21 and entered the seminary.
Brokenheart.
I always enjoy reading your comments. Even after all you’ve been through, you don’t let the bitterness and negativity take over. I really like how you refrain from saying anything bad about your priest, or any other priest. Instead your comments are filled with compassion and understanding.
I wish your priest could read your comments and see that despite all of the pain he has inflicted on you, your faith and hope and your love for him still shines through.
I don’t feel sorry for priests anymore. I think lay single people have it a lot worse. They are lonely without someone special and without physical relationships, yet have to also worry about money, jobs, retirement, and housing and all that the priest does not have to be concerned about.
Now if priests faced the same challenges, they would change the way they preach, the way the write ecclesial documents……….That’s why we are all in favour of married priests!
Absolutely. Their compassion will expound and break barriers in their lives and homilies.
But those you discribe still have choices and best of all hope.
That can’t be said for conflicted priests.
I agree, Jessica; the life of a Priest has *many* benefits~ benefits that too often prevent a Priest’s normal maturation. Priests *are* buffered from most of the reality their Parishioners live everyday. And without *groupies* to coddle them! And there are always the *groupies*!
These “benefits “ also include being advised what to do , think , say , believe and portray at all cost.
The “outside “ world may perceive this as manipulation….”groupies “ or lack thereof.
Oh goodness…”groupies” a new term I would not have equated with the priesthood. But, come to think of it. I have seen it first hand in many parishes.
Jessica,
Once and for all please explain why if you are such a proponent of priesthood and all it’s “perks” you even bother with this blog which from its inception till present is primarily concerned with supporting changes to it and those involved in various circumstances related?
I get the Devils advocate perspective , but the defensiveness is perplexing.
Well said Nikki. You are not the only person who’s curious about this. These questions have been asked a few times on this blog by different women over the last couple of years. Hopefully you’ll be able to get a straight answer.
You are right. This blog is not for me. I am out of here. God bless you all and may all your hopes and dreams come true. I am moving on to a new and better life.
It was a question about your inspiration Jessica.
I suppose no response is a response.
All the best in your new life.
Jessica~
Don’t leave!
There is plenty of room on this blog for many opinions. Just know there is little respect (from a mere few) for differing opinions *and* very little empathy for women who have been hurt by a Priest. Nor is there a full understanding (from that same few) that grief takes many forms. Catholic Sisterhood gets pirated here if you dare disagree with the blog cleansers!
I am sorry you were hurt, Jessica. You did not deserve those cheap shots.
Prayers for your broken spirit~
Marshmallow
We don’t owe either of you any answer; we are *all* entitled to our own opinion, and we have the right to express it. Please stop stalking women who have another *Priest* view!
~Marshmallow
The blog response gives the power to readers to express themselves. I am happy that today’s communication brings power to the people. Now it’s obvious that when people take an active part and start writing not everybody agrees. We should not be surprised. Some readers would truly like to ‘convert’ other readers to their own ideas! Others feel offended that others do not agree with their ideas! Some think that they have discovered the whole truth and nothing but the truth…so they should not be questioned.
Let’s keep going. If somebody does not agree with your ideas or writes in what you think offensive way, please don’t waste your life trying to converse with such opinions. Don’t take it personally. Keep going! I can speak about my life. There are still people who do not speak to me anymore just because I had decided to leave the monastery. I’m not going to stop communicating my way in favour of married priesthood notwithstanding their bad mouth and the false rumours that they spread about me with other people!
I’m strong enough to keep walking. Let’s all keep walking and don’t make it sound as if it’s the end of the world if somebody does not agree. On the other hand try to argue about principles and not people. This is addressed to ALL readers. I’m going to keep all readers in my prayers. May God Bless you all!
Jessica has had more come backs than elvis
😊 Happy Easter Lucy.
Fr. Daniel!!!! ”Awesome” article you wrote!!! Yes,,priests feel deeply alone!! They are human. Not only do some end up drinking heavily or smoking,,but,,some overeat,too. That is why most priests are overweight. The feeling of lonliness is so heavy on them,,they end up selfdestructing themselves. I have been reading so many great articles on the upcoming synod of 2019,,the year forced celibacy will end once and for all!! Thanks to our dear Pope Francis and the Bishop of Brazil..Claudio Hummes. May Jesus bless them both. They want the catholic church back to its’ ”original roots”…including first and foremost,,,,,”Married Priests.” Amen!! We are getting so close!! Thanks for this great article!!! Blessings to you,too!!!
Hi Maria~
Love your enthusiasm, but a global *forced* Celibacy isn’t going anywhere as it stands. An assertive move to allow married Clergy coming as *Converts* is what is anticipated.
There is still little to no talk to even consider welcoming back our Priests ordained Catholic who left The Church; those brave men~ Fr Daniel among them~ are *still* relegated to second class laity status. This is where I believe we need to begin our journey to reverse mandated Celibacy; bring *them* back!
#Revolt, Sisters!
~Marshmallow
I think the Church still wants to punish the ex priests for leaving.
Hi Maria, I don’t intend to disappoint your enthusiasm but how are you so assured that Celibacy for Roman Catholic clergy would end in 2019. Have often read this in almost all of your comments in the past. I don’t feel its that easy dear. So far discussions are ongoing for having married priests in the Church i.e. men who are already married. I don’t feel priests who are ordained would be liberated from their promise of celibacy. And there would be a lot of outside opposition. I have watched videos on YouTube on Catholic priest celibacy and there is lot of opposition from common people, oso some priests favouring it. The Church makes changes like that of an ants footsteps and they have no clue how lives are being affected.
… If at all something that can help us is.. ‘Prayers’.
Error, Should Read: Love your enthusiasm, but THE global *mandated* Celibacy isn’t going anywhere as it stands for the 2019 Synod.
Marshmallow, I agree with you 110%! Bring back all those priests who left to get married and who want to come back. I know some of them. They really want to be priests if the Church will accept them back. Some of them are NOT happy being Episcopalian priests, which is where they were accepted after getting married and forced out of the RC Church. There are a LOT of good men lost with this stupid rule of celibacy. We could end the priest shortage in an instant if the Church took back these men. It is such hypocrisy to accept convert Protestant married men into the priesthood and deny marriage to Catholic priests.
This is a bit off topic for the article, but I just wanted to say this: Sometimes in the past we have talked about how some people in the Church, especially the older generation, would probably be opposed to a new vision of priests (being married, etc), and yesterday, I got a shock… My mother, a person whom I remember that, when I was a child, was a hard-core believer of the Church and it’s traditions as she had seen it and been taught all her life, suddenly said that she too thinks priests should be married in this day and age! My face dropped, but I was pleasantly surprised. Small miracles do happen! 🙂
A,
I too noticed a tiny bit of a shift in the elders way of thinking. After my priest passed away a couple of the elders were talking about how sad it was that he died “alone” with no wife or children. They actually said maybe married priesthood wasn’t such a terrible idea. I suggested they write to the bishop about it. They said they would consider it. I know the chances of them writing to the bishop are slim to none, but at least they weren’t vehemently opposed as they have in the past.
Cat and A, there are those of us among the more mature age group who see the fallacy of mandatory celibacy for all priests. I have personal family experience with priest relatives who fell in love with women. One left and married and raised two daughters. I love my aunt that he brought to the family! Another fought the love and stayed but he told me he regretted what he was missing. One had the charism of celibacy that the Holy Spirit gives to only a small percentage of priests and was faithful to it. I myself am now 70 and completely understand that mandatory celibacy is a terrible thing, both for the psychosexual development of the priest, his ongoing emotional life, and his deep seated desire to love and be loved, which many of them are completely afraid to acknowledge and express, and so they turn to alcohol, food, porn, excessive socializing, etc. to satisfy that empty inner need.
While I don’t talk to any of my friends who are Catholics about my own situation, I do sometimes talk about celibacy in general when there is news of another priest in our diocese who has left because of involvement with a woman (or man). I’m finding that most all of my friends, older practicing Catholics and active in various parish activities, agree that mandatory celibacy is NOT good for our priests. When we are served by priests who were former Protestant ministers and are now RC priests, and bring their wives and children into the Church, we definitely notice the difference in how the priest reacts to us, how he teaches us, how friendly he is, real friendship offered to us compared to the after- Mass fake smile of our pastor who the children avoid because it appears he really doesn’t like them. And he talks to them in such a condescending way it is enough to make me puke. Oh, wait, that’s how he talks to us women too.
So from what I’m seeing, deep in the southern USA, many of the older folks would be very comfortable if celibacy were abolished, especially those of us who have already enjoyed having the converted Protestant priests serve in our parishes. They understand us a whole lot better than many of the celibates who have no experience of family life, family struggles, male/female love relationships, the give and take of a good marriage, how two people who love each other communicate and work out difficult problems that surface.
Maybe some day soon we will all be blessed with married priests serving our parishes. I’m willing to bet that if that happens, we will see many of the fallen away Catholics returning to Mass.
@Broken Heart, I have read your comment/response to my comment, but if I have not responded it’s only because I don’t really know what to respond to it. But I can say: great points you brought up! Thanks for sharing.
Hi Broken heart,
I don’t have any experience with married converts to Catholicism as pastors as there are none in our diocese and I have only ever heard of the one in my country from the link that Fr. Daniel provided recently.
I was surprised to read that it seems almost commonplace where you live.
As for the way priests speak to children (and women), I am very fortunate that my priest, his “replacement” and, in fact, all of the priests I have ever known, have always been very friendly and genuine when I interacting with kids or women. When I was a child, the priests were not exactly approachable but certainly not condescending.
My priest in particular loved kids and went out of his way to include them in Mass. He called all the kids from the congregation up to the Altar during Mass. It was beautiful how the little ones would be pulling on his vestments and he would smile down at them, pat them on the head, and continue on with Mass. Every Sunday he called them to the front pews for a special children’s homily which the kids appeared to love.
My priest said that he loved children and thought he would make a great Dad. He worried that he would not have made a great husband though. It wouldn’t have been easy for him, but I think he would have been a great Dad AND a terrific husband. (But I could be so.what biased😁).
Just to let you know how many married priests are available…..just go to: http://www.citiministries.org/find-priest
Should be “somewhat” biased.
That’s great Father Daniel. Do you have any information on married priests in Canada?
In the same website there should the addresses of a few married priests in Canada. If you don’t find them, just write to the website editor.
Yesterday, I went to the Way of the Cross. For the first time ever, I have seen a Protestant minister do the Way of the Cross in a Catholic Church!! I don’t know if it is indeed the first time in our diocese or if it’s only the first time for me, but I was wondering if it’s due to lack of priests in general or at this time of the year, or a special for Easter…. Very different, but refreshing to see such a collaboration between the two religions.
added: a married Protestant minister, and his family in the pews
We should all unite in order to prove that God exists. If there is no unity between religions, then it’s difficult to prove that God exists!
Is that something that is done in Europe too, Daniel? If it’s also seen there, do you think it has anything to do with shortages of priests, or to show ‘unity’ with the religions?
It’s very important that we’re united as otherwise the people won’t believe our message! Maybe because there is a shortage of priests but even if there is a great number of priests, there should be unity throughout.
Marshmallow,
It was a question, not a cheap shot.
Jessica has every opportunity to voice her response if she so chooses.
Bless you Fr Daniel,
Some of us must give you headaches at times.
This can be a heated forum for sure, we women can be a complicated species.
Many times we don’t care for others opinions.
However I don’t feel compelled to pack up my toys and leave, but will strive to take things less to heart.
Difference of opinions can enhance our growth if we let it.
Happy Easter to you and your family.
Thanks for understanding! You’re great!
Happy Easter, everyone!
Happy Easter, Fr. Daniel and family, and all in the blog! Many blessings to all.
Happy Easter to you too and all your family. May God Bless you!
A happy and blessed Easter to you and your family, Fr. Daniel, and to all my friends on this wonderful blog!
Happy Easter everyone. May God bless you all.
Happy Easter to everyone! May the Joy and Peace of the Risen Lord be with you all. God Bless.
We reciprocate your Christian feelings!
Hope you had a lovely easter Cat.
Thanks Lucy. It is difficult because Easter was my priest’s favourite time of year. He loved it because it is so full of promise and hope. I’m trying to focus on that rather than how much I miss him.
How was your Easter? Has anything changed for you?
Hi Cat
That’s tough for you.I’m sure you can live on the good memories forever. My priest hasn’t answered me since Christmas. I have no idea why he just stopped. I will be asking to meet me in a few months. I have questions I want to ask him. I will keep you posted.x
Hi Lucy. That must be very difficult.. I pray that he gets the courage to give you an explanation very soon. Even if it’s not want you want to hear, perhaps it’s better than leaving you hanging like that. I’m sorry that you have to go through this.
Happy Feast of Divine Mercy to all!
Prayed for our Lords Mercy on each one of us here during the feast mass.
Lv to all ☺