The gospels are interesting to read from several points of view. One of them is for contrasts. The people next to Jesus who have witnessed the most astonishing miracles, walked side by side with Him for some years. They are so proud of their master. On Good Friday they are nowhere to be seen. They are terrified of anyone associating them with Jesus. Peter made a solemn oath of not knowing Jesus!
The leader is gone. All the followers run for their lives. They are nowhere to be seen. But they have witnessed the most extraordinary events in their lives??!! This is because fear took over. One of the biggest threats to faith is fear. Fear of what the others might say. Fear of being judged. Fear of being different. Fear of showing your true faith to others. Fear of loosing friends. Fear of being fired. Fear of the future. Fear of others. Fear of the immigrants. Fear of…….The list goes on and on.
Are we afraid? Afraid of what? The fact that I don’t have more stories (for the time being), means that people are afraid of sharing their intimate story with a priest, even though we promised not to reveal real names nor geographical position!
If we wish to see change in the church and yet we are not ready to jump, then maybe we are procrastinating change in the Catholic Church. Maybe like the apostles we are still experiencing Good Friday but not Easter Sunday!
Jesus has won death itself – our greatest enemy. What are we afraid of, exactly? Why is this fear keeping us from transmitting our message? When discussing with others, it’s the others who might be afraid of change, not us!
We have to start the ball rolling as we don’t expect others, especially the priests to speak in our name! On the other hand, it might be interpretated as Pharisaic because whilst we demand the priest to leave everything for the name of love, we are so afraid to touch the hot potato subject of married priests. Myself, I have lost the ‘comfortable’ job of working at the university. Other priests had to emigrate. Others receive a very low pay. Others are still shunned by most of the people, family members included! A few of them have committed suicide. I wish I could reveal the many emails/communication that I receive. Unfortunately, everybody seems to be a victim of fear as they don’t give me permission to publish!
One of the tactics used by most bishops, is that these are very few cases! This is not true. But how can I explain that I have so many cases on my hands if I cannot disclose any information about many stories?
I truly believe that everybody can do something small but with great love and determination. One can send messages through many parts of the world in different ways. I can’t give a general formula for everybody! It’s up to each person to study it’s own personal life and act accordingly.
May the Risen Christ give you enough courage to be bold enough and strengthen the church by suggesting married priesthood.
After reading this post, I had so many images in my mind. I had so many things that I wanted to share, but my mind was going faster than my fingers could type. Then, no surprise, the element of fear set in, and that was what made me change a bit the flow of my response. I didn’t want to share too much. I didn’t want to share this and that. I didn’t want to be judged, analyzed, or misinterpreted.
This response is not about married priesthood, it’s just about life in general, for most of us I think. We, as young children, have fear instilled in us. “Wait til your father gets home!” is probably something most of us have heard. If you don’t do your homework, you won’t pass, you will fail. If you do this and that, this or that will happen to you. If you have bad children, people will blame you for your poor parenting skills. If you don’t go to college or university, you won’t get a good job. If you don’t get a good job/career, you won’t have financial security. If you don’t work long years enough, you won’t have a good pension, and the list goes on and on. Our lives have been filled with fear: fear of punishment, fear when mommy or daddy don’t pick us up from school or daycare at the right time, fear of an upcoming exam, fear of not making the team, fear of wondering if we are making the right choice for our spouse, job, fear, fear, fear, etc. When we are children, we have fear of lying and the consequences that follow, but when we become adults, it is the truth scares us, so we either continue lying (whether to ourselves or others) or we hide/deny the truth.
The woman and the priest, object of each others’ affection, will sometimes hide from each other what they feel for each other, and fear is the big culprit here. Sometimes the priest will hide the truth from the woman, due to his title, and he can be in denial. They could have fear of what would be the other person’s reaction, fear of society, basically, fear of being judged, analyzed, criticized, and fear of change. Whether it’s a priest getting married, or a laity person getting married, marriage is a big change, a big step. Anyone can have fear of it.
In this day and age, mental health was a taboo subject that is now taking more and more space within our daily conversations, within society as a whole to the point where one day, it will be completely ‘normalized’ to talk about mental health and with anyone, and not just mental health professionals and close friends, and to view mental health as natural and part of health as physical health is. Perhaps, one day, from talking and talking so much about married priesthood, it will also be viewed as ‘normalcy’.
I look back and realize that a lot of my actions and words in my daily life, are governed by fear. I say something, withhold something, do something, don’t do something, an action, out of fear of what would people think and say and do, if XYZ happened… How many of us are like that!? Even as children, we have our parents tell us: hey don’t do or say that… what would people think!!?
I am told that at the hour of our death, we will have more things we wished we would have said and done, than things we regret doing and saying. I truly believe that! I don’t want to be that person. I want to be that person that danced like no one was watching, that sang just because her heart wanted to, that said “i love you” and “I appreciate you” to the people that mean something to her — and while they are still alive, and I want to be that person that tried and loved, and even if it means maybe failed, than wondering what could have been. Even if my story with my priest has no success story, it was a beautiful story when it was happening and I have no regrets. Not everything is meant to be.
Speaking of the topic of fear, I hope some priests get some courage too, to put their fear aside, to not be afraid of truth, and to speak the truth and share their stories with us, no matter how awkward or personal it could be. We need you. Speak up! It’s ok to share your pain or your joy with us.
Oh, Daniel. Such sad news. I am so sorry you lost your job at the university. 😦 😦 😦 I hope things turn around for you soon.
Peace of Resurrected Jesus with you all. May we resurrect from our fears.
Very nice Original A.
thanks. 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Fr Daniel!
You’re very welcome!
As many of you might know, in the Bible the words “do not be afraid” appears 365 times, one for every day of the year– coincidence? I think not.
Although Scripture does state we should fear the Lord our God– but I don’t believe the word fear was meant in the way we have come to understand what fear is. I think the fear of God, is to have a really healthy respect for Who He Is– not terror.
The RCC and many religions often instilled the wrong kind of fear of God into children so when they grow up they can never enjoy or have the relationship of love with their Creator because they are too afraid of Him.
And although the RCC has soften this fearful stance over the year, there is still a lot of fear in the RCC. The men who are priests today, in leadership position today, grew up in that culture of fear- where what the RCC says and who God is are so linked it is almost impossible for some to see the difference.
Therefore I totally understand why priests are so afraid to speak against the RCC teachings in regard to celibacy and the reasons for it– and for me, my fear is for my priest, knowing he has so much more to lose than me if his love for me and mine for him became public knowledge. Often I share things here about my relationship I later regretted because I worried someone who might know me or him will recognize it is us if they were to come on this blog– and what I shared will get back to his Bishop and I get him into trouble. I know it is highly unlikely because I have changed his name and mine– but that is the nature of secrets– you live in fear that secret will be discovered.
And perhaps Fr. Daniel is correct that the only way to break the yoke this fear creates on all of us is to expose the secret to the world, the fear loses it’s power– Much in the same way if some one is being blackmailed if they expose the secret themselves the blackmailer no longer has any power over them
Yet I see it as a positive that many are writing to Fr. Daniel even if they are unwilling to take the next step and have their story published. It shows the weight of carrying the fear that comes with a secret and the threat of exposure is getting too much. Today, they might only share with one man they don’t know on the internet. Tomorrow they might share with strangers on the internet. Next week they might share with a best friend– the more the secret is shared the less power the fear of exposure holds
I once heard someone describe fear as an acronym that stands for
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Because the reality is most of our fears are based on things that aren’t even true– which might explain why God felt the need to tell us not to be afraid 365 times
Thank you Father Daniel.
This may be one of the best posts I have read from you (although I’m new here).
I hope your words may encourage other women and their priests to share their story. We can only “fight” and make a difference if we all sail together.
I know it takes courage to open ourselves to others, especially when it involves a love story between a priest and a women, but if only people knew the relief, the sense of peace that comes from opening our souls and hearts with women that know exactly what we are going through…..it’s priceless.
We all have to face our fears and trust in God, but we all have to do our part and get involved in this cause.
Bless you all and thank you for sharing.
Maria
Thanks for your kind words. May God Bless you!
Well said, Maria!
I don’t get the reason why these people don’t want their stories to be published, despite the anonimity. I don’t really get what’s going on in these people’s minds. What are they afraid of , if everything is anonymous?
Thanks for making my thoughts crystal clear!
Most of us do share it here. But I feel there is need to voice out, we need to be heard. We do have some excellent writers here like Promise, Marsh, A, Cat, Nikki and many others. If we together could pen down our pain and make an appeal to those in authority it might create awareness. This year married priesthood discussions is on the Synod agenda. Our lives are live examples on how much frustration we go through cuz of this incomplete love, with no hope of childbearing or having a family. Missing those precious moments when we could be with our priests. So I feel it’s necessary to share even whilst keeping one’s identity anonymous.
How about sharing this blog with other open-minded people? It’s up to you…
Since mandated celibacy has been around since 1139, I doubt we are the first ones to question it, meaning those in authority are well aware of any argument against the practice. If they would not listen to the likes of Martin Luther, or many other learned Catholics who know theology and the RCC like the back of their hands– I sincerely doubt they would care what any anonymous woman would have to say, let alone care about her pain.
In their view if we are Catholic we should have known better than to get involved with a priest. We were the ones who didn’t practice prudence so we are reaping what we sowed. If the women aren’t Catholic they might have some mild sympathy for them not understanding who and what a RC priest is, but they are not going to change anything for them.
They will tell you they are not holding any priest hostage and if he really wants to leave in order to marry and have children he can– they will pressure him to stay, they will try to delay his decision, they will heap all kinds of unwelcome consequences for the man so leaving isn’t easy or simple– but in the end he can leave, and the fact many of these priests who are in love don’t leave only seems to prove their point– these priests don’t want marriage.
No the problem isn’t one of awareness, they are fully aware–the laity might not be aware of how many RC priests are having affairs or fathering children- but trust me Bishops and higher all know. But like anything else in life people are never motivated to change anything unless it begins to affect them personally.
The only language the RCC understands is PR, and money. If it cost them in terms of how they are perceived or costs them in dollars, then they might be motivated to change. This is why those who were abused by priests as adults, or those who had children with them, need to be suing the RCC– this is the only reason abuse of minors was finally dealt with– and if mandated celibacy begins to cost them in these two areas- then they might budge. Until then they will all sleep soundly no matter how many tears I tell them I have cried.
And I can write the Bishop or the Pope about my heartbreak and they might say a prayer for my soul. I could post my story online and get strangers to either tell me how wronged I was or how wrong I was– by clicking thumbs up or down– then they move onto to the next story. No, the only one who is going to understand my pain, heal it, and redeem it, is our Lord Jesus. God heard the cries of those in bondage in Egypt and he freed them. I still believe our best bet to change mandated celibacy is not writing to the Pope, but crying out to God.
Dear Fr Daniel, I have been a reader of this blog for quite some years. When I googled about married catholic priesthood I ended up here. And I felt like most of the women here were writing down my story. This parish brings comfort where we are heard by those who can empathize with our pain.
Fr. I was just curious to know, have you ever been approached or questioned by Vatican insiders since we always discuss here about RCC discipline on mandate celibacy is inappropriate/ anti scriptural. It would be nice if they would refer here for their case studies.
No, their answer is always the same: we don’t exist anymore! They never try to contact us, nor ask us why did we leave. We are seen as lepers or sinners who have left behind the ‘good’ people!! If we start to attract people to where we celebrate mass, then they’ll go into attack, telling people that what we’re doing is fake. They have many resources to ‘kill’ us. My personal choice was to create a blog where they couldn’t stop me from informing other people! In the US, my colleagues are more fortunate because they have the freedom to have their own physical churches!
Dear Fr. Daniel,
I have been reading this blog for about a year. I left the convent myself many years ago and made a good life for myself out in the world. I would like to know this: When you left the monastery, why did you feel the need to continue to do priestly things when you made up your mind to leave that life. And when you married and had children, wasn’t it enough for you to have the sacrament of marriage and be a father and husband? Those are very important vocations in themselves. Thank you.
Thanks Betty for your question. Well, I didn’t leave because I didn’t want to work up anymore as a priest. There were many issues in the monasteries going on in which I felt that I couldn’t work any longer. Besides that, when I left, first I thought that I wouldn’t work as a priest. Yet I met some people who gave a unique formation: priesthood is forever! You can’t take it away. Besides other people still asked me for spiritual guidance and food (sacraments). To cut a long story short, I realised that God was calling me to give service to the people who were outside the physical building of the church. In fact one of the issues I had ‘inside’ the building of the church was with the churchgoers. I realised that the true people that I should serve were outside and not inside. It’s sort of the modern version of St. Francis calling to go and repair the church.
Are you happy with my answer? If not, we can discuss more.
Dear Fr. Daniel,
Maybe you could have joined another monastery or become a Diocesan priest. But it’s good for your wife and children that you didn’t do that.
It’s not possible in the diocese of Malta because the bishop won’t accept it. Secondly, there are other issues with the Catholic church.
My dear most special sisters who are loved by a priest. We are quite blessed. Unique is our walk. And known by God. Mathew 18:18. What is bound on earth is bound in heaven…This site allows an honest exchange, never completely revealed, but enough that we can grow spiritually. That is what I have received from this exchange. I would love to think that the RCC would allow priests to marry, but I don’t believe it is on the table of consideration. So, accepting that, knowing that I have sisters in this walk with whom I can share, is a huge gift. For me, the fear subsided and I began to feel treasured by him. I also began to feel like an elect. We are the elects. Something about us is particularly beautiful. I have enjoyed the articulate exchange with all of you. My agenda is to trust in this path, try to protect myself and him, embellish the good and try to avoid the pitfalls that we know so well. God is leading. Not the church. I am very grateful. And Father, I am glad that you have our stories like a unique and beautiful quilt, interwoven and distinctive. The whole mosaic may be something that you can work with. God bless us.
One must keep in mind the effect on a priest’s life. Priests are used to study on books. It’s a reality with which they are accustomed to. When falling in love with a woman, they discover a whole new world of emotions: something which was neglected for many many years. The beautiful thing about it is that it reaches deep down. Most probably it’s the first time that a priest is not preaching to others, but a new reality touches his very inner self : his soul. In this sense we firmly state that for most priests falling in love is the most extensive and deep experience of love which illuminates or animates all that he does from that moment in time.
An outsider with a good reflection skills would come to the inclusion that a ‘conversion’ of the priest has taken place!
This is because God is a Trinity and one can never fully understand our Lord Jesus as our lover and our spouse until they have experienced love in that type of relationship.
I know the times I have experience this part of God most profoundly was in my love for Peter. And I know if our love was expressed with becoming not just one heart but one flesh as well, I am sure I would know more about our Lord than I do now. And it is that connection to God that gave me the strength and endurance to love Peter like our Lord would – a love that years of Bible study or systemic theology classes could never produce.
A priest in love, not just in lust, but one truly in love, will have a conversion, because all conversions come when the person understands God is real and God truly loves them– they experience it, they know it, not because they were told, but they experience God as a reality. If all you knew was God as “Father”– you will know His love but only as a child experiences love. If you know the Holy Spirit, you will know His love but only as a friend or student– but if you know Jesus as the lover of your soul, you will know His love as a equal, a partner, being one with him–with a depth of intimacy unparalleled — and a surrender that is bore out of complete trust, not submission out of fear.
These are concepts hard to grasp unless one understands them in their human form- most found in romantic love– the understanding of knowing what a lover is, and how to be one, not just in the physical sense of the word, but in our spirit and hearts will make a priest more Christ like than years of seminary, praying or fasting could ever accomplish. He will have conversion because a part of God that was only a concept before becomes a reality.
So thank you for reminding me what is at sake. Last night I wanted to share something with Peter, but because our relationship is under going some issues right now, I was not going to, but reading your comment reminded me that by denying Peter myself, I deny him access to my love– and that love does affect him whether or not I can to see it, or whether or not he tells me– I know it, because I know Jesus as the lover of my soul–his love is never wasted, and my love for Peter is connected to our Lord’s love to Peter– He can let Peter see something about Himself in me– this is what I asked the Lord to let me do, and I got side track because I was starting to long for something far less than what I already have.
Remembering that, is yet another step towards that finished forgiveness I am working on this Easter Season. The Holy Spirit is always speaking to us, and in this case he spoke to me late last night, when I couldn’t sleep and I came here to kill some time– and after I got the message, in your reply to Wondering -I wrote what was on my heart to Peter, and I can trust God that what I shared with him will touch Peter in ways I may never know on this side of the grave and trust God that what I sow, I will reap– as long as I don’t get my mind fix on what that reaping should look like I will be fine.
I totally understand what you are saying. When priests really fall in love, they fall in love in a deep and profound way. For them it’s a life changing experience. My priest always says that I will never understand the effect I have on him.
A few years after we got involved I learned I was the first women in his life (even physically), that he was a teenager when he entered the seminary, so he didn’t even have a “normal” social life. And he never thought of women like that, he told me he was attracted to me since we met, for 5 years before we got involved, but he couldn’t understand what the feeling was. He says that this love changed everything in him and in the way the sees the world.
But if this is a reality why is it so difficult to make a choice? How can someone want to have a relationship with a women and be a priest at the same time? I may sound selfish, but it’s stronger than me, I can’t understand. I’m having trouble in continuing this life, I feel I deserve more than being someone’s second choice.
Yes Father, and for me, soul to soul, like hand in hand we maneuver our way through our church. He a priest, and me his “girl”. Holding tight to God’s good grace. His words; “I’m the best thing that ever happened to him.” His conversion demonstrated. Uniquely difficult. And I can’t help but think that our loving Father is not happy with his church on this; oh what are the words – quilt- inspired, manipulation, propaganda, control; where to end with the descriptors? All for being human. Man-Woman.
Dear Wondering,
He may say that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, but is he willing to leave the priesthood for you? Or will he just continue to enjoy the priesthood and enjoy the good feelings of love without making the big sacrifices and commitments?
Good Question Betty. I can’t anticipate. For my part, I am way past child-bearing age. Setting up a family. Already raised kid and grands. So, it is completely his choice in that. When he says “I’m the best thing that ever happened to him”, I suspect he is talking about the conversion that Father mentioned. His preaching became more animated, and bold. He speaks of “miracles” that he has experienced.
I am truly trusting God. If my soul connection with him is by God, and I believe that it is, then I am satisfied. Of course, I would love to share life and time with him. Currently I don’t have access to his life. At all.
I would love to see him start his own church. He is very talented and would have followers as a married priest. And definitely a maverick who loves Jesus. So we will see where courage and fear land in this union.
I anticipate he may come in conflict with church authorities along the way, because his homilies are on the cutting edge. It brings to mind that I need to pray for courage for him. Please join me in that prayer.
Again, thank you. I am grateful.
It would be nice if the married catholic priests formed a Church. We wouldn’t be wasting our time efforts and tears after the inhuman roman laws. I’m beginning to hate the corrupt people in this Church. And God’s silence is hurting. Waiting helplessly for “his time”.
Just imagine it. Of course, that is my logical thinking to fix my problem. But, once a priest always a priest. And, if people came for the sacraments and agreed with us. It would be beautiful, and wholesome.
This would not be a solution for me– my priest wants to be a Roman Catholic priest that is in full communion with Rome– no break away Church organized and run by married priests would be sanctioned by the Vatican. If any priest would be willing to leave the Mother Church for one not sanctioned or in communion with Rome- then they can leave now and join any number of independent Catholic parishes that are out there not in communion with the Vatican or start their own independent parish. No for many of us this will not be a viable alternative.
Sorry, Promise CAN but it’s the second time where I don’t see eye to eye with your line of thought. In my opinion it’s not a question to be in line with Rome or not. In a few more days it will soon be summer. Imagine being at the beach and you see a man/woman drowning. You would leave everything behind, and jump to save that person. We as married priests are helping people out there who are neglected by the so called church. We are just answering an emergency call. If you just go to the parish and tell them that you have fallen in love with a priest, How would they answer? Will they truly help you?
It’s not just women who fell in love with priests. How many of our readers remember a pastoral visit by their priest to their family (forget about abusive priests who just prey on women), or other families. How can people remain faithful to the church if rarely do they have a visit by their local priest? What about the young people? Do they look at their parish as their own house? Do they know who the pastor is? I can continue a whole list of things which are missing in the ‘normal’ parish. Now if a married priest answers to all these calls, would you sincerely consider him to be out of line with Rome? What will God say in the final judgement?
Just see Jesus from your point of view…He was never part of the hierarchy of those times. He spoke badly about the priests of his time…He openly broke their law. How would you classify Jesus?
Perhaps my wording gave the wrong impression– I have no issue with any married priest carrying out his priestly duty. I’m like most here I believe once a priest always a priest, and one’s authority to perform the sacraments etc comes from God not the RCC. My own brother was married by such a man, because the established parish priest would not marry him and my now sister-in-law because they were not “practicing Catholics”
I was saying this belief that a parish or a branch of the RCC to be valid that it must be sanctioned by Rome, is Peter’s not mine, which means he would never leave to do what you are doing, so for me, even if a more organized Church run by married priests evolved, unless if got Vatican approval, which I doubt they would at this point in time, Peter would never join it- other priests might, but I know Peter never would.
No my reality is that I am in love with man who willing wants to be RC priest. If the RCC tells him to be celibate, he will be celibate. If they tell him to grow a five foot long beard, he would grow a five foot long beard, because for him what they tell him is the same thing as what God wants. And at times he has viewed me as a thorn in his side, given by God to test his faith whenever I suggest that the RCC and God might want different things So if Mary S and Wondering priests are more liberal in their views of what the “Church” is, they are lucky, because my priest isn’t so open minded in this area.
And sadly I do believe if Peter was a Jewish religious leader at the time of Jesus, I suspect he would have been one who would have denounced what our Lord was doing– for him there is a fine line between the “law” and “rebellion”– and what the RCC gives him is a definite line between what is “right” and what is “wrong”. I find this limits God Grace and providence, So if one wants proof God has a sense of humor, one only has to look at Him drawing me and Peter together, when the two of us have vastly different perspectives about the RCC and God.
In the last 18 years we had more “spats” about the RCC than anything else. I spend more time trying to reach Peter the man only to have Fr. Peter run interference — but kicker is I know Peter loves God deeply and for him he is expressing the depth of his love by what the RCC tells him is the noblest way to do it– by giving his life to God in service to the RCC. You and Peter have the same calling, but on different sides of the same coin– your service outside the establishment- his within it, both by God for God.
At least we got the discussion going. That’s why Promise CAN is an excellent person for discussion.
The priest you are writing about is a typical case of brain washing. The church replaces one’s brain with some kind of learnt-by-heart teaching. Such people would never experience a real crisis unless their normal life is broken down (such as the death of one of their parents). Some people are born followers, others are born leaders!
Dear Mary Shenelle
I can sense your frustration and I offer the following in hopes it might help with it, not to pretend I have all the answers.
I found the times in my life when God’s silence to my prayers deafening and his lack of action seemingly reflecting indifference my need to accept my limitations as a human being.
For the piece I can never know is the ripple effect it would cause humanity for God to give me what I want, when I want it.
For example– if I am having a BBQ party and I pray to God to give me a nice, warm, sunny day for it, do I know what I am really asking.? What if by changing weather patterns so I can have my nice day, God knows this change will cause a massive rain event in small country across the globe– and this rain event would cause a mudslide and hundreds of people would aren’t meant to die yet, will die– all because I want a sunny day.
So if it pours on the day of my BBQ, yes I could get mad at God, accuse Him of not “loving ” me for not giving me a beautiful day– OR– I can trust God’s character and know if I didn’t get my perfect day, it means there is a good reason for it.
And furthermore what if because it rained that day, a family member decided not to come to my BBQ, and by not coming they were not on the highway when a major accident happened that could have killed them? These are the things God knows that I can’t when I pray to him.
Likewise with changing mandated celibacy. We cannot know why this change is not happening. It has been hundred of years since forced celibacy came into the RCC– we know God could change it in a heart beat — but the fact that it hasn’t yet,doesn’t mean God doesn’t care or enjoys our pain–but obviously there is a bigger picture we do not know or understand– we can only trust God’s character and trust He is doing exactly what is He knows is best for now, for not only me, but for everyone.
I know this, if this rule had changed back in the 60’s when many thought it would with Vatican 2, by the time Peter came into my life, he would have already been married– the only reason I was free to love him was he wasn’t married because of celibacy– and the personal growth and understanding of God I gained by loving this particular man would not have been. And all the lives, my understanding of God touched would not have been.
I also know waiting is an active time, not a time to be sitting idle feeling helpless– Waiting can be a time of preparation, for maturing for a purpose yet to be reveal, for learning for something that is about to be– or for helping those behind us in the path toward tomorrow.
And sometimes God has to wait for us– for humanity to reach the spot when He can act. For example, women who loved priests before the internet came to be, probably suffered even more than we– but when mankind ‘invented” the web– then God could move the hearts of men like Fr. Daniel to start this blog– so women like us, unlike those before us, now have a plan to come together, to share, to learn- to comfort and to support that didn’t exist before. With the internet, individuals stories that would have been lost, can gather together and be seen. Maybe mandated celibacy could not change until this world wide medium existed- and God was waiting all these years for us, and using that waiting season to prepare us and the RCC for this change.
Remember God uses our sorrow and pain to expand outwards to touch others– the devil uses our pain to draw us inward, to make it all about us, and to harden our hearts towards God, for not giving us what we want when we want it.
No parent likes to see their children cry or be upset– by if every parent gave their children everything they wanted in order to prevent their child’s tears or sorrow– what kind of adults will these children be? If a parent didn’t take their child to the doctor to get a needle, because the child will cry or be upset, what kind of disease might that child get later face that would be far worse than that temporary sting of a needle prick?
I know as adults it is hard to see ourselves as children– but in the Father’s eyes that is what we are– so we can either trust our heavenly parent or we can throw spiritual temper tantrums. And I found in the end, trusting is a whole lot easier and more effective- and lot more rewarding if we are embracing God in our pain instead of blaming him or hating the RCC for it.
Thanks for understanding perfectly well my ‘parish’ which is totally online! May God Bless you!
I love this article. I felt like this when I finally walked away from my priest:
It’s Over, I’m Moving On: You’re No Longer A Part Of My Life.
I’m done with putting up with everything you’ve put me through. I’m no longer going to wait by my phone, constantly checking to see if you’ve called or texted. I stopped getting butterflies every time your name popped up on my screen a long time ago.
I’m done with you.
I never thought that things would come to this. I pictured us being together forever. I saw kids, a house with a big garden, family vacations, and dogs that we’d go hiking with in our future one day. No more. I didn’t know back then that the person I loved so much would one day drop the act they’d been keeping up and show me that they were actually someone else entirely.
You made me feel alone. You made me feel miserable. You broke my heart the day you showed your true colors.
I’ve cried. I’ve felt regret, confusion, and hate. I hated you with every inch of my being. But I healed. Gradually, that hate and regret and grief for what I’d lost turned into acceptance. I learnt important lessons from you. I can’t hold a grudge against you for that. You showed me just how horrible people can be while convincing you they’re incredible. You taught me that I can’t ever allow myself to give another person my power.
So, I’m moving on. I’ve accepted that all of my experiences are part of me, good and bad alike.
You’re in the past now. You’re a part of the reason I am who I am today, and for that I’m grateful. You showed me how to be a better person by doing the exact opposite of everything that you should do in a relationship.
I remember how many times you told me you loved me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever meant it, or if it was all a part of the game. But it doesn’t matter now. The important thing is that you had your chance and you lost it, and thank God you did.
I’m feeling better than I have in years. I feel free. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and now I’m going to live my life like I always should have done: independently.
It took you to make me realize just how loved I am by the people that really matter in my life. It took you for me to see just how valuable I am,
It took you for me to learn who I am again.
I don’t hate you. I don’t miss you. I don’t ever want to see you again.
It’s over, and I’m moving on.
Paula,
Well done. I admire your maturity. Not everybody will reach the same place, or maybe one will arrive there some time in the future. You are an excellent example to others. May God Bless you!
Good for you Paula! I completely relate to most of what you have written except, I haven’t quite moved on from the feelings of hatred for the priest who hurt me deeply. I hope at the end of this grieving process, like you, my feelings move on to acceptance. You should be very proud of yourself!
I am not familiar with a Catholic Church not in line with the Vatican. Are the priests married? Giving Sacraments? Hearing confessions? Ordained Catholic Married Priests? Do they believe the tenets of the Catholic Church. Marriage is not a sin. So, they are not supported by the Catholic Church, but they support the doctrine. Again, marriage is not a sin. I know that they can no longer practice in a church, but couldn’t they start their own place of worship with sacraments?
Many people left the church because of the scandal. You know the one. And, many are divorced and not annulled. Or living as a couple, not married. Not welcome in the church for any number of reasons. I think that being a part of a community like this would be healing. Not that the “sins” would be accepted, but strive to heal and change.
I have read that once the priest requests to be married, and no longer celibate, the church tells him that he can no longer preach or offer sacraments in the church. However, he is still a priest, so can’t he offer sacraments at another physical location?
Is this happening? I have read that married Catholic Priests change religion and continue preaching the gospel. Other than the sacraments, that doesn’t seem too bad to me, but the sacraments ARE the big deal here.
I personally find that I get so tired of the in your face married, the monied, the judging, the Catholic elite that are paraded out in front of the congregation with the subtle message; if the rest of you could only be so wonderful. My own aggravation is showing here. I worked in a Catholic School, and the underbelly was very ugly from the top down. Anyway, I shook the dust off my feet and moved on.
Again, thank you. I am grateful for the exchange.
Yes there are priests who feel the need to tender the flock. One such example is in this webpage: http://www.citiministries.org/find-priest In Europe you have this: http://www.marriedpriests.eu In Malta, I’m the only one.
Wondering
Oh yes there are a number of parishes out there who have broken away from “Rome” but yet hold the tradition of sacraments and mass– some are really liberal, ordaining women as priests– others are ultra conservative, going back to pre- Vatican 2 days, some run by married priests– I even heard of some Catholics who have adopted the early Church model of meeting in houses that don’t have a ‘priest’ at all, allowing any member to preside over the communion meal. However because they are not sanction by Rome , Rome will make it clear to any lay Catholic they should never accept these versions as legitimate parishes.
But look it has only been in the last 50 years of so that Rome began recognizing the Anglican Church or any Protestant Church as legitimate because all these faith groups originally broke away from the RCC during the Reformation. Therefore, it depends on how you and your priest view what being Catholic is on whether or not you would consider leaving the established RCC to join these alternative versions.
For my priest the RCC is the true Church so to leave it for something else would be a step backwards, and I respect him for that. His beliefs and values make him who he is–as for me, I see the sacraments as a gift not the way to salvation, so if the RCC kicked me out, I would missed the blessings of the weekly mass, but I would not worry about my soul– while someone like Peter would.
I think the technical terms that are used by the RCC regarding validity is just a lame excuse to control people. This is like in the gospel when the apostles saw somebody doing good deeds but did not belong to their group. They wanted to stop him (pure jealousy!!). Jesus did NOT!
Thank you Promise Can and Fr. Daniel. I have no idea how “my” priest sees it. So, I am truly trusting God that there is “A Plan” for this phenomenon that we are experiencing. And, I hope that I have enough courage to be honest and brave and to follow. I do, however, try to anticipate. He is very head-strong, very Catholic, and says and does many things that make me wince. So I am braced.
The problem with some ‘Catholics’ is arrogance. They think that they are the ‘true’ Catholics. Well, reading the bible, most of the apostles were married. Now are we going to follow the Bible or what?
Some good news….https://www.wral.com/the-latest-pope-encourages-north-macedonias-eu-integration/18370199/
I hope it works out for you, I truly do. Nobody goes into a relationship with any guarantees it will work out long term, but you cannot grow a relationship fearing it is going to end at any minute either. Both need to look at the risks realistically, evaluate the person they are with and decide over time, how much trust and love to invest as the relationship develops. It is so tempting to “go all in” at the start of a relationship when everything feels and seems so right that one cannot even imagine it not working out.
But the reality for any woman starting a relationship with a priest, or is in one, or is considering one, there is a higher chance this relationship will not end well — higher than it would be in the general population. Yes each couple is different, and you can always beat the odds against it, but I have seen way too many women get blindsided when their priest suddenly turns against them. Whatever their reason for doing it, noble or selfish, it happens a lot and when it does it can leave scars difficult to heal. Yes, some women, like Paula, learn and grow from the experience, others are still trying to heal years after the fact.
We can have hope, and accept the truth that we can suffer heartbreak at any moment without taking away from either– and when we can enter into relationships without blindly denying either one, we are starting on a solid ground, which is a good place to start.
Hello Father,
I’d like to share my testimony. I have been reading your blog for some time now. At first, I was so afraid that someone would know my priest and I have something going on. But, I’m not afraid anymore and I would like to share my story in case it helps somebody.
My experience hasn’t been easy. There is many things your readers may not agree with as I’m married and met this priest because he was our pastor, my spiritual director and a family friend.
Our experience has been one of ups and downs. And we may have been sometimes wrong and we may have been choosing the wrong path. But, I can tell you that, now, we only want to be honest and we want to do things right.
Thank you!
I have written an email to your private email address. How about writing about your story in more detail? It would help many other women who have fallen in love with a priest.
Thanks! I’ll send my testimony to you as soon as possible.
Please send it to my private email address. May God Bless you!
Dear Father Daniel,
Have you ever questioned yourself about your calling to be a priest when you were younger? Or was it after meeting your wife? Was it very difficult for you deciding to leave?
I was wondering what goes into a priest’s mind when he loves beeing a priest and yet falls in love with a women…
After 5 years in a relationship with a priest I am having a hard time accepting beeing always in second place. And more and more I hold resentment towards him…
I have already answered this question. No I wasn’t ‘tempted’ by my wife. I had many other questions regarding the church and its teaching. My wife forms part of those people who are not afraid to ask ‘difficult’ questions.
Most priests never dream of loving a woman. But as life develops, due to many issues, they become aware of the female sex. Once it happens they realise many things…one of them is the fear of leaving the comfort zone (ie priesthood) and going versus the unknown!!
Most of them prefer to remain in the in-between ie loving a woman whilst enjoying the benefits of a woman! A few of them make the daring choice to go for it and change their lifestyle completely. Actually it reflects their spirituality as they feel more at home with people who are ‘in’ the world then living surrounded by the ‘fortifications’ of the church.
Thank you for your answer and I’m sorry if I made you repeat it.
There is nothing to be sorry for….most probably thanks to our readers there are so many comments that a particular comment maybe ‘buried’ alongside others!
That means that the readers feel free to share their opinions! Hurrah!
With reference to the link that was shared I feel the Pope once again contradicts himself.
Even if the Eastern Catholic priest, shares with the Pontiff that marriage and family made him a better cleric, will the Latin Roman rite consider it? As usual ‘no’.
The Pope acknowledges this testimony having ‘Gospel fragrance’ yet he will make no initiatives to have it for his clergy.
God made everyone alike, put feelings of Love in everyone. Yet some inhuman men of earth control it for others – they feel Eastern priests could have it but for Roman priests it’s a sin. And God is silent over this injustice. Sorry I know you all strong faith in God, even I had but after years of long wait and heartbreak I have lost all patience.
Mary,
I know the feeling…sometimes we wish to rush. I don’t have any answers but maybe when some more years pass by we will have an answer. This is like our lives: sometimes we understand our experiences in retrospect. All I can tell you is that the so called ‘conservative’ part of the Catholic Church they can stop development for some time, but they cannot hold it forever! Progress in the church will come for sure…but unfortunately we don’t know when!
I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Eastern Catholic churches are under the authority of the pope, but follow the liturgy and many practices of Orthodoxy. As in the Orthodox churches, married men may become priests but men who are already priests cannot marry, even if they become widowed. Bishops must be celibate.
It is important to remember this—if the man is not married before he takes Holy Orders he must remain celibate even in the Eastern right, and the Orthodox Catholic Churches, and if he was married and his wife passes away, he cannot remarry.
We are aiming in this October Synod for the Latin rite to allow married men to become priests, which would be in line with the other two rites. If this happens then the case of having priests who left to marry to return to ministry becomes stronger.
BUT……. we are still a long way away from all priests in any rite being able to marry freely at any time after taking Holy Orders.