A relationship starts immediately after our first hello. Whether we know it or not this is a basic fact which happens to all sorts of people. It’s up to us to be aware of it and to guide it according to our beliefs, thinking and desires. Now speaking about sharing of emotions or of any other significant experience makes the process of relationship building super fast. Besides it is kept together in the oven of attachment. It is the first real consequence of a special relationship. But this is not the only consequence. Most probably it’s the time to experiment with our bodies such as kissing, hugging, fondling each others intimate parts etc…
On the part of the priest, as he realises that he is becoming vulnerable and swimming in an unfamiliar water, he might be tempted to shut down all sorts of communication. It’s a ran fast and away approach. Most woman don’t understand this attitude because their cultural baggage is totally different. In the priest the moral part becomes really talkative. He is used to hear all sorts of bad things happening with sex or sexual experiments. So under the pressure of sin with all its paraphernalia, the priest tries to hide the problem by ignoring the woman and blaming her for all that had happened! But let’s hear this unique story of this month. Readers, you are more than welcome to send in your comments.
I started talking to some people online, just to make connections and friendships ’cause living alone can be lonely at times, even if you are a grown adult in late thirties. One day, I was talking to this man, in another country, and he told me from the start he was a priest, so having no negative experience with priests and seeing them only as ”special”, my guard was down. I really thought a priest was a spiritual being, and all his ”man thoughts and sexual energies” would be channelized through works, as nuns and brothers are trained to to. Little did I know, we were bonding closer and closer.
Because he is a priest, it was curiosity more than anything, that made me continue getting to know him. Curiosity on how far this would go, and actually not believe it would go far. I quickly realized he was just a man, under that title, with needs to talk and become ”liked” by women.
To make a long story short, I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back I can agree that I was actually having a long-distance man/woman relationship. We talked, talked, joked, flirted, for hours on end, very often, and then started making plans to meet.
I went to his country, we met, spent time together, and it was wonderful to finally meet in person and be ”together”, but it was his first time, so it wasn’t spectacular, but it was so special and will be remembered forever.
Now, turn of events after I came home a few weeks later. He suddenly goes silent, he deletes me from skype and facebook, and suddenly I am left alone in my pain. I cried on and off for many months. It felt like a break-up. No explanation on his part. Two months or so after I was home, I get an email from him, saying that he regrets having done ”it”, and basically he was blaming me for everything. Bunch of bull…. as he wanted to as much as I did. Maybe him being a priest was a way to get rid of the guilt.
Eventually, I wanted to say goodbye to him ’cause it was hurting too much to not only be ignored by him but to have him twist the story around. But soon after, he wrote back to apologize for his silence, for his twisting the story around, and that he would like for me to stay in his life, but that he is trying to be a good priest. It’s been four years now, and we still communicate, he will flirt at times, but I know, he told me he never wants this to happen again, and he never wants to see me in person again. I will never understand why he doesn’t want to meet in person again. I don’t know if he has feelings for me, ever loved me, and if ”never seeing me again” is because he is afraid we will fall again, but I wish he would express himself and open up about it, instead of just saying we will continue writing, but never meet in person or cam. I am sad ’cause I love him so much. Part of me is wondering if his communicating with me in writing has now become simply ”polite”, or if I mean something to him.
He has re-added me to fb, but things are not the same between us, even if we communicate often. My heart skips a beat every time I hear from him, but I will forever wonder what he feels in his heart: is it politeness, love, or just plain friendship? Were we together due to his curiosity of being the first time, or because he truly had feelings for me?
I keep him in my life now, regardless if I will ever find someone for me or not, ’cause it hurts more to have him out of my life than in my life. Sounds odd, but yeah, it is what it is. We don’t choose who we will love or hate. The heart has a mind of its own. It’s almost like we need each other. He wants to stay in contact with me, just like I want to stay in his life. Even if it hurts that he can’t be mine only. It also hurts me so much that he can write many times per week, sometimes per day, but then will ignore me totally for days, sometimes even more than a week and I don’t understand that.
I wrote to the pope in the past few years, asking if finally priests would be able to live a normal life with relationships, marriage, but unfortunately I never got a response from Pope Francis.