Tag Archive: opening windows in the Catholic Church

Secret Relationships with priests

Relationships are common like air. Everybody is in a kind of relationship: at home; at work or with neighbours. The surprise is, that like parenthood, very few receive any kind of instructions or training. When things go wrong, people realise that something important is missing. People are aware of the importance to cultivate free, positive, healthy and educational relationships.

The relationship between a woman and a priest is no exception although it has its own peculiarities. Several of the readers who write about their hidden love, seems to be unaware of some basic needs/information about relationships. We are trying to make some people aware of some pitfalls before undergoing or letting go into such relationships.

Any relationship needs some basic things to survive. Let’s try to write about some of them.

Communication: Each one of us needs to tell our significant other about our daily events, the pros and the cons of our life etc… the fact that for most of our woman, the priest does not communicate or else communicates in a very strange way, is an indication that the relationship has already some major problems. Communication is a thermometer which indicates the level of strength or weakness of a relationship. No communication is equal to no relationship at all.

Mr Evasive: Any relationship involves two persons. Now maybe one is already dreaming of the priest as a future husband, plus children etc.. but does the priest think in the same way? It’s incredible how some women run really fast in a relationship whilst the priest may simply be, first having fun or else, emptying his reproductive sacks! Did some of our women check what the priest really wants from such a relationship? Is he going to be committed to you? People have a habit of procrastination or be very evasive when faced with deep questions. As we amply wrote last time, one cannot be evasive for too long. A time frame makes sure that beyond a certain time frame, one needs to let go and forget all about the priest. If not, one is letting himself become abused by the priest.

Secrecy: We understand that most loving relationships are not born by choice involving a woman and a priest. We understand the need for secrecy at the beginning of a clandestine relationship and for a certain period of time. But would you like to live all your life in secrecy? Would you accept that you can never walk hand in hand with him in public? Would you accept the fact that you can never have your own house where to live twenty four hours with your loved one? If she doesn’t have a problem with secrecy than surely she is going to hit the wall at an incredible speed. The pain will surely be unbearable at that very moment.

The significant other: the beauty of a relationship is that one comes close to another person and sees his/her personal life. Priests have a knack of preaching to others and hide behind several masks. Incredibly you might not get to know the real person. Please forget what the priest might tell you. Remember that priests are very good, persuasive talkers. They might chat about many subjects yet avoid to tell you how they really feel. They might emphasize about how bad his superiors are and/or other situations in the church, yet he does not share with you how is he going to face the situation nor does he mention any concrete steps how to come out of it. For a change look at facts! They speak louder. Does he flirt with other women? Is he just experimenting with your body? Priests lack physical and intimate contact, hence if you give him permission to touch you, he might be just releasing some physical and sexual tensions.

Loneliness: Is the priest just passing through a middle age crisis or is he just feeling lonely? In some cases the priest might look at you, first as a close friend (maybe with sexual benefits), but nothing less and nothing more! He might use you for some weeks or months, never to be seen again. This is because he is using your relationship just to fill his empty and lonely soul. If you listen to him with your mind rather than with your heart, you might get the hidden message. Homilies indirectly reveal a lot about his psychological being. One needs to listen attentively and connect the missing dots. When you read between the lines, what is he trying to say (the unsaid words)?

Daydreaming: This sounds sinister and odd yet very true. Some women incredibly make up a whole story just because the priest paid some special attention in just one occasion! Fantasies or thoughts do not constitute a real and true relationship! It has to be real. One cannot exchange just a few glances with a real relationship. How can one be sure of a relationship if there has never been a real dialogue? It’s just a waste of time and energy which will definitely lead to a great depression. One cannot live his whole life imagining what if…..

The Real One: We might have given the impression that all relationships with priests will fail. No it’s not true. There is the priest who has taken the necessary time for reflection and he has definitely decided to leave the parish. He faces the big decision on his own. Separately he has thought a lot about having a full relationship with a woman. These two great decisions should never be mixed up together. Each one of them should be examined carefully and separately. The priest should take a decision after a long time of reflection and discernment. This applies especially to the case when his woman is pregnant. The priest, although he has to accept his paternal responsibilities, must not be forced to marry. He needs to take one step at a time.

In many cases, the married priest, if all decisions were taken in a mature way, should have a wonderful relationship with his future wife. It proves that in a mature relationship, the priest can lead a healthy, spiritual life where he could be of a better service to the whole community. One can easily google the many cases where the priests live happily with their wives. The community can testify that in most cases, one can notice the positive change in the priest leading their parish in a married state. The number of married priests is increasing all the time in the Catholic Church. This is a positive seed which might grow bigger and give more bountiful results.

What happens in the mind of a priest after ordination (when he becomes a priest) ? Every human being makes experience. But every human being responds differently to the same experience. The priest is filled with enthusiasm to work in the field of the Lord.  Yet as he goes on with his work, his intelligent mind is thinking and reflecting. Am I really helping people? Can I accept church’s teachings? Can I simply deliver the message and not hear or listen to the different situations?

The priest finds himself in a big conflict: that what he was thought in the seminary or university and the experience of the common people. They are in conflict because somebody wishes to impose old and medieval teachings to the world today (a case in point would be contraceptives or divorce). Besides all the conflicts he founds himself all alone with no support. The people who support his views are most probably the people who already left the church or who are not in good standing with the Church.  The priest realises that the so called ‘bad’ people are not bad at all. They are thinking with their own heads. They are finding God in new ways and places…

One day he will have enough courage to cross the border and live a common life with the common people.

A life which is more sincere and true to the teachings of the Church. He looses his comfort zone and most probably a lot of money. He has to accept another type of work in order to earn a living, yet he feels totally in peace with his conscience. 

Another bishop, who has gone to heaven, does not mince his words: the laity (the people who are not priests or nuns), should help the church discover what the Holy Spirit really wants for his church today. The laity seems to be much more close to today’s reality in the world, consequently they could hear the voice of the Holy Spirit in much clear way.

Paragraph 12 of Lumen Gentium, which begins by claiming: “The holy people of God shares also in Christ’s prophetic office: it spread abroad a living witness to him, especially by a life of faith and love and by offering to God a sacrifice of praise, the fruit of lips confessing his name. The whole body of the faithful who have received an anointing which comes from the holy one cannot be mistaken in belief.”

“Those who have charge over the church should judge the genuineness and orderly use of these gifts [among the faithful of every rank], and it is especially their office not indeed to extinguish the Spirit, but to test all things and hold fast to what is good.”

We hear another story of a non-married priest who faced problems with celibacy and picked up a married woman in order to fulfill his biological obligations! These are only some of the stories which are published. We are sure that there are many more. It’s always with the same ending: forced celibacy is creating lots of problems between clergy and laity.

Another article is calling for responsible action as in the near future Europe is going to be without the celebration of the eucharist! Somebody should be thinking about it if we don’t wish to end up with museums instead of lively communities……. The calling to remove forced celibacy is linked to other issues well. A married priest would look at life differently. He would notice that there are many other things which should be marked as very important or urgent. Others, would simply disappear! His criteria would change dramatically.

Weekly Homily (in Maltese)