Tag Archive: priest fondled my breasts


I was happy editing the latest story I had for publication……..I received an email where the person concerned tells me NOT to publish her story. This has been happening quite a long time. Why are victims afraid to have their story published?

This is common for all victims of criminal activity. We consider the fact that a priest who abuses his position of authority and trust, on the same level as that of a policeman who forces his victims to commit any illegal act under coercion.

One of the first steps is make the victim aware of what kind of action is she victim of. Victims, because of various reasons, cannot comprehend the seriousness of the act committed. As a defence mechanism in fact, in many cases they blame themselves rather than blame the man of God. Maybe it will be more devastating to their faith to admit that the man of God commits such criminal acts!!! Some of them try to camouflage it as ‘love’. In most cases the priest might be called a serial abuser of women. In most cases these women are in a vulnerable position (most probably emotional one) who simply cannot refuse some form of attention/cuddling/kisses etc.

The priest knows that as a public person he is at a very high risk if his story comes out. Living such high risk cannot be tolerated so he turns the tables by turning the abused person into a terrorised one. This game cannot be understood by the abused person as in her situation she feels too weak to react. She tries to console herself (mistakenly) by thinking that he is the only one who pays attention to her. In some cases the priest allures the victim by buying some expensive gifts.

The abuser, ie the priest, inflicts a sense of guilt or that of fear in his victim in order NOT to talk (like all criminal people), or write. The victim most probably lives in a highly inflated sense of fear. She is enslaved with this sense of fear. Maybe she feels sorry for him. In most cases it’s true that the congregation, again because the truth is too hard to handle, they might opt in for labelling the woman as a great sinner (they use another much stronger word!), when rumours start to surface. But this is another proof that a relationship based on fear is no relationship at all and there is no sign of love at all. How can we speak clearly to so many women who fell victims to their pastor?

We are all for support and education to ALL our victims. We need to make them aware of the game being played by their priest. We need to empower them to take action. Obviously, it’s easier said than done. But this is an important part of our pastoral outreach to such victims. We are not here to judge but rather to accompany these people in their spiritual walk of life.

We are all in favour of publishing such stories (although changing of names, places etc. might take place), because the people attending churches need to know what kind of priest do they have mingling with their families. They have the right to know. We cannot take away rights. Nothing to add nor delete. Secondly, it would be an eye opener for many others including some who are already passing through such experience. Thirdly, it would help our cause to press for married priests. Most of the priests, because of the celibacy promise, have become sexually dysfunctional. We have to make it very clear though that we don’t intend to push all priests to get married. We do acknowledge that not all people should be married, for various reasons. But married priests are a welcome change in the church in order to bring subsequent changes in the parish.

Finally let’s all remember that when one is doing a journey there are people at the beginning, half way through and those who are at the very end of it. In the spiritual world we’re in a journey. It doesn’t mean that one is better than the other. It means everyone is on different levels. Let’s remember that maybe before passing through a love experience with a priest, most of the readers would have condemned such women. Now after a personal experience they have walked further in their spiritual growth. Now they see a lot of hidden aspects that were hidden previously from their understanding. Let’s realise that everybody is progressing through such spiritual walk. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can feel superior to anybody. Let’s welcome everybody on our blog without the fear of being judged or labelled.

Married Priests: the fine print

How do you feel when a friend forgets all about you, then one fine morning he calls you and asks you a favour? On one hand you are thankful that he/she remembered you. On the other hand you realise that friends are not there simply to be used by others! If friendship has died or has been forgotten, why ask for a favour after such a long pause?

This is the effect married priests feel at this moment in time. Married people will be allowed to become priests but only in areas where priests are needed! In the church where there is a talent, it is for the common good ie for the whole community. So it should be shared even in those churches where apparently there are more priests.

Indirectly one is giving a hidden message. Well we don’t want married priests, but you know, we don’t have priests, our churches are closing. So between two evils let’s go for the lesser evil (ie Married priests)!! We’ll have married priests but only in areas where they are needed urgently!! Maybe a place in the bush where people don’t mind at all having a married priest. Indirectly it’s saying that marriage is not compatible with priesthood. Maybe we still have remnants that marriage is bad or sinful, or in more modern terms, distracts the priest from his daily duties?

Who is judging where the most needed areas are? In today’s world, is it enough to have a sufficient number of priests for the distribution of sacraments? What about evangelisation, especially in Europe? Do we have a sufficient number of priests? Who visits families? What is the place of the priest in today’s cities?

Many of our readers are asking: what about today’s priests? Can they get married? Well we have already stated in the last post that the Pope is looking for married priests to be ordained priests and not priests to get married. But we do agree with most of our readers and ask the same question: why are priests being excluded from marriage? Is it the fear that most of them will be married? Is it the fear that a priest together with his woman would be more difficult to control? Is it the fear that celibacy would be seen in a different light? Is money the problem?

Notwithstanding all the good intentions of the Pope, we didn’t hear of any single place in the world who has officially asked for married priests. Maybe it’s still too early to hear such news?

We don’t know what are the criteria to select these people and/or if there is any age limit. We’re still in the dark in an age when such news travel around the globe with the touch of a button. Maybe the Vatican is still thinking with a medieval age mentality.

Let’s be positive notwithstanding that we don’t see any tangible signs! One of our readers has suggested a poll where we can voice our opinion. Please do visit this site and write your opinion: Link. In the meantime one can write directly to his bishop to voice his/her opinion about married priests. Please remember that if we don’t speak about this issue, nobody will, as most people who are in favour of change are far away from the parish and won’t be attending mass in the near future.

What’s an update?

One of the fascinating words today is update. It means to bring up-to-date! We want to update several areas in our life and that of material things. This applies to religion. We were once very young children. We had our first ideas about God and the church. We grew up, we made experience, attended courses..so on and so forth. We continued to update our idea of God, church etc……It means that we are understanding more about religious themes. Everybody understands better as one grows older. Not updating it means to remain with the same childish ideas, in other words being left behind or not learning at all.

Why are we focusing on the word update? Because of the wonderful call of the Pope for the church to do outreaching i.e. to go out of the temple and look for the man/woman of today. But the multi million dollar question is: how can one call for an outreach if one does not update? i.e. the church needs to update its teaching about sexuality; justice; work; rights; environment; relationships etc…..We firmly believe that outreaching without updating the present teaching would sooner or later backfire. The initial enthusiasm may soon die.

The priests (those responsible for updating and preaching the contents of the Catholic religion), have been brainwashed that the teachings of the church do not change!! So whilst people do change in many areas, in the area of the Catholic religion they have to make an exception!

This is quite insulting as it means throwing into the trash what other people have experienced about God! God speaks in everyday experience. We cannot discard what other people experience about God. The mentality that the priest knows it all in the area of religion has to stop. Adults in faith (according to the updated teaching of the church) have the right to seek God in other ways! They are Adults in faith not children to be lectured at!!

Why does this happen in the church? We firmly believe that the unmarried priest does not have a family of their own. Hence they have to make an extra effort to understand the world of today. Most of them spend most of the time closed between the protective walls during the initial formation period. They are expected to study on books. Most of them are very young. Non married priests have the most strange ideas about women where most of them still see them as a devil in disguise. Most of them had never a real and deep relationship with an adult! How can they have a healthy relationship with their parishioners? We are not surprised by some of the stories shared on this blog as it amply shows the lack of preparation of unmarried priests to meet the society of today. Consequently it will effect their ‘handling’ of people in parishes and their explanation of the teaching of the church. It will effect their focus in their parishes.

The married priest is the one who is living the married experience which in itself is part of a chain of many other experiences….a deep relationship with an adult; understanding the opposite sex; loving an adult; taking care of children; interacting with his own sons and/or daughter; taking care of his house; being a parent 24/7 for all his life…….

The married priest is at an advantage over other priests because he has his own sons and/or daughters where it’s not so easy to educate and he has to respect this often contradictory attitudes/opinion/clothes etc…..Yet they are his sons and or daughters so he has to forgive and love. He is the one who has to understand their journey in life and their right to choose the wrong path or maybe the joy of running on a ‘greener grass’. The spirit of teenagers who feel like grown ups only if they say no to their parents!!! I remember one episode where my son and I used to go shopping for clothes. He used to ask for my opinion about the choice of clothes. He used to select the clothes that I hated most!

All this experience might help him to approach people who have left the church. Surprisingly, some of the married priests too have people in their family who do not wish to go to church. Below we publishing part of the

APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION
EVANGELII GAUDIUM
OF THE HOLY FATHER
FRANCIS

47. The Church is called to be the house of the Father, with doors always wide open. One concrete sign of such openness is that our church doors should always be open, so that if someone, moved by the Spirit, comes there looking for God, he or she will not find a closed door. There are other doors that should not be closed either. Everyone can share in some way in the life of the Church; everyone can be part of the community, nor should the doors of the sacraments be closed for simply any reason. This is especially true of the sacrament which is itself “the door”: baptism. The Eucharist, although it is the fullness of sacramental life, is not a prize for the perfect but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak.[51] These convictions have pastoral consequences that we are called to consider with prudence and boldness. Frequently, we act as arbiters of grace rather than its facilitators. But the Church is not a toll house; it is the house of the Father, where there is a place for everyone, with all their problems. (published on the 24th November 2013)

This is a true love story between Lana and Carl (priest). We are not judgemental but we are compassionate. We know that a love feeling cannot be remotely switched on and off. We are happy of publishing another true story…when is the Catholic Church going to accept that love stories between priests and significant others take place? Please accept the fact that it’s simply NOT just a few of them! There are so many hidden stories. Half way through the story, I put forward some questions.

Readers it’s up to you to comment and make this blog truly interactive by commenting or asking questions.

We met in 2012 through a social medium. We exchanged messages but never met online at the same time. It went on for about a month, we were leaving messages for one another. Until finally, we decided to see each other. During our chats, he told me that he’s into family business. He must have felt guilty, so before we even met, he told me what he was. I was shocked and was so angry. I felt I was betrayed.

I stopped talking to him for a while, but realized that I could no longer hide my feelings. I was beginning to like him. That’s when I challenged him to proceed with our previous agreement for him to come and meet me. He was about 250 miles away and had to travel overnight. When I saw him for the first time, I knew I loved him.

From then on, we officially became a couple. For 6 consecutive months, he came to see me on a regular/monthly basis. I was the happiest whenever I was with him. He’s sweet then. Calls and text messages bound us when we’re apart. Despite our moments together, me asking about his plans to leave the church was a big no-no. If I would insist such topic, we’d end up fighting so to avoid this, I stopped talking about it.

When meet-ups became seldom, as he was ‘busy’ with his duties, I realized that I couldn’t live with this. I would come over and visit him. We’d normally stay in a place quite far from his parish to be a little discreet. When he was attending his church obligations, he would totally forget communicating with me. I would attempt to contact him and he usually reasoned out that he’s busy with ‘work’ and will get in touch when he’s free. I settled for this arrangement, but at times, I would demand his time and again, ended up fighting. As of this year, we met only twice. I went over his place last March and he came over last May. Quite a very long gap considering that he’s just 250 miles away.

When we’re ok, we’re really ok. But when we fight, it would last for 3 days, became a week, then a month and the last one is already running 1.5 months now. this last argument was about my text message that he failed to reply, allegedly due to his low mobile phone battery level. Sounds too petty for a fight this long.

I terribly miss him. I want to start the conversation so we can get back to what we used to be. I feel so sad. He hadn’t exerted any effort to contact me. It occurred to me almost everyday to think of making the first move so we can be back to normal and continue our relationship. However, what if he’s been waiting all along for this relationship to collapse so he can move on with his own life without me? What if I was not the only one? I tried telling him many times that if he wants to end our relationship, he can just tell me and I will oblige. But he would always tell me that he doesn’t want to lose me. He’s doing otherwise with the situation we have now.

FYI, there’s zero effort for him to start leaving the church to live a life with me.

At the beginning of your relationship, what kind of messages were they…(eg what’s your work? Are you single? etc….) Not to be intrusive but we need to add some details to your story. How did he present himself in the social medium?

Yes, Rev. basic question & answer for two strangers, our respective daily routines, career, family background, stuff like that. He started asking for my mobile phone number since day one of our conversation. I just preferred that we just get to know one another over instant messaging. This lasted for about a month. When I had to leave the city for some fieldwork where internet connection was intermittent, I gave him my twitter account.

What made you decide to meet face to face?

Even before he admitted his being a priest, we had already decided to meet, depending on his availability, as he’s the one coming over to my city. On my part, I am curious of course. I met the guy on the net. It’s instinct that one would want to personally meet the guy. Further, I was somehow challenged when I found out that he’s a priest. Why does he have to make moves of meeting women on internet for purposes of intimate relationships? Further, before he admitted his status, he told me that I had the right to know because he felt something for me and for me to accept him hundred per cent, I had to know who he really was. After his confession, my initial reaction was anger and the feeling of deceit. Then when I realized that I really liked him, that’s when I thought of meeting him as planned.

Why didn’t you stop there…what was so interesting about him?

Again, it’s curiosity and challenge of being romantically engaged to someone like him. Prior to him, my last relationship was 6 years ago. Somehow, I got excited with the idea of having a new relationship, this time a very different and risky one. I stopped talking to him for a while, but realized that I can no longer hide my feelings. I was beginning to like him.

What was so charming about him?

That’s when I challenged him to proceed with our previous agreement for him to come and meet me. He was about 250 miles away and had to travel overnight. When I saw him for the first time, I knew I loved him.

Why? Was there any physical contact between the two of you?

The fact that someone who’s meeting me for the first time and who had to travel for like 9 hours was right there, in front of me, left a lot from his hands and found time for me was in itself a big plus factor to like him and eventually, love him. Or it could have also been the fact that after a long time, finally, somebody came and made me feel important. As for physical contact, yes there was.

From then on, we officially became a couple. For 6 consecutive months, he came to see me on a regular/monthly basis. I was the happiest whenever I was with him. He was so sweet then. Calls and text messages bonded us when we’re apart. Despite our moments together, I couldn’t ask questions about his plans to leave the church. It was a big no-no. If I would insist such topic, we’d end up fighting so to avoid this, I stopped talking about it.

What makes a woman go against common sense? There was no way forward but you still continued to meet him……

Feelings and emotions had been invested. I must have been blinded by love. And for the longest time, that love gave me all the reasons to ignore what’s lacking in us. To thank for whatever he could give and control myself from asking what he couldn’t. When meet-ups became seldom, as he was ‘busy’ with his duties, I realized that I couldn’t live with this.

Why don’t you forget all about him and move forward? What’s holding you to this unavailable person?

I wanted to make the relationship work because I didn’t want to lose him, so if he couldn’t make it, then I felt that it was my obligation to do things in his favour. Somehow, I developed co-dependency issues with him along the way.

I would come over and visit him. We’d normally stay in a place quite far from his parish to be a little discreet. Just so you know, when he’s attending his church obligations, he would totally forget communicating with me. I would attempt to contact him and he usually reasoned out that he’s busy with ‘work’ and will get in touch when he’s free. I settled for this arrangement, but at times, I would demand his time and again, ended up fighting. As of this year, we met only twice. I went over his place last March and he came over last May. Quite a very long gap considering that he’s just 250 miles away.

When we’re ok, we’re really ok. But when we fight, it would last for 3 days, became a week, then a month and the last one is already running 1.5 months now. This last argument was about my text message that he failed to reply, allegedly due to his low mobile phone battery level. Sounds too petty for a fight this long.

I terribly miss him. I wanted to start the conversation so we can get back to what we used to be.

Do you realise that maybe it’s all over? Why do you keep contacting him when he showed you that he doesn’t care about you?

At first, I didn’t want to entertain the idea that it’s over. but looking back at how we went through the past 2 years, I realized that there was no turning back. The relationship was ending. Most of the time, I’m still in denial but at this point in time, I’m finally rationalizing. I had been too unfair to myself because I let him treat me like a doormat. After our last fight during mid-August, I never contacted him any more. I see him online most of the time on Facebook but I just ignore it. If he can manage not to worry for me, I’m sure, I can do it too no matter how hard it may be.

I feel so sad. He hadn’t exerted any effort to contact me. It occurred to me almost everyday to think of making the first move so we can be back to normal and continue our relationship. However, what if he’s been waiting all along for this relationship to collapse so he can move on with his own life without me? What if I’m not the only one? I tried telling him many times that if he wants to end our relationship, he could  just tell me and I would have obliged. But he would always tell me that he didn’t want to lose me. He’s doing otherwise with the situation we have now. Finally, there’s zero effort for him to start leaving the church to live a life with me.

On the priest’s part: If there is no effort to leave the church, than what’s the use of having a deep relationship with a woman?

Maybe he wanted to pass his time and I was unfortunately the one who got trapped in his bait. or he just wanted to satisfy his physiological needs. I don’t know. The only thing I was 100% sure of was that I truly loved him, but I was never loved back.

Thanks Rev Daniel for taking time for this story. I don’t know until when i’m gonna cry at night and remember his face and his unfair treatment to me. I know I still love him, but I’m trying to love myself more this time.

In or out of the community?

 

We are all born in families. Although it’s hard to define exactly what a family is, we all know the good times. Maybe we don’t remember all the details of a family feast but we simply remember that we had joy and fun in those moments. We felt one as a team. The family is a micro society. The Catholic Church belongs to a macro society. But it’s still based on the same principles. We all remember the good times when we were celebrating in the Catholic church.

We became grown ups in faith. We started to question some practices or beliefs……trouble started brewing. Just by asking what others accept unconditionally put us as non-believers. Others started to go away in our presence. Others reported us to higher authorities. We felt that we simply couldn’t connect with the people who gave us our faith! Maybe they will never feel or appreciate our walk of faith. We felt as if our home did not exist any more.

Imagine if the one who is disagreeing with the teaching of the church is a priest! There will be some people who will say that they are completely scandalised! (lost faith). Others see a ray of hope that maybe the priests of tomorrow will be different.

There are people who try to minimise the damage by saying that the priest needs a lot of prayers and support. What these people don’t realise though, that it’s not simply the problem of one priest. Many faithful people are asking the same questions. Shall we deal with these questions or shall we just label that one single priest?

We always believe in the community. All the gospel points to a community based church. We cannot undone what the gospel has built. Yet, there is always an uncomfortable question: when does the community kill my faith? We are not extremists. We are not in favour of the community no matter what! We believe that the community has to take care of the individual and the individual has to contribute towards the community. Yet in real life there are moments when some individuals look deeply into some issues and propose some practical solutions. The community has political games too. Some ideas are promoted or are lost not because of the idea in itself but rather to some sinister lobbying or other political games.

This kills the community spirit. In fact from that day onwards, some individuals may look elsewhere to continue living their beliefs. This is the case of the married priests. Although most of the world will look into the romance story, the married priest is one who looks differently into what we are supposed to believe and live (in a religious sense). In some cases, he has decided to marry his parishioner or friend, because they agree on many principles, contrary to most of the remaining parishioners. This closeness brings them to marriage and of leaving the community.

Others, because of various reasons, may still prefer to remain in the parish and try to convert the others to their thinking. In most cases, the priest will be misunderstood and none of the conservative type of parishioners will change their mind. The good priest will feel all alone and in the area of the lost team.

We feel that the married priest or other priests who have left officially the church should start their own communities. This is because the Catholic Church is inclined to keep all the old ways alive. Hence it’s so difficult to have a real update on what we should really believe in and how can we live our faith in today’s world.

There are countless stories about priests who were successful in this kind of journey. They have been successful in bringing back to faith many people who were classified as ‘non-believers’. Others have approached God and saw him in a completely different way. One needs simply to google such stories.

Many have put their hopes in Pope Francis. Although we wish to have high hopes in his charismatic way of working with people, yet we still feel that the church is far away from a good update of its ways of reaching God. There have been so many changes in life, and the way humanity deals with them, that we strongly think that we need more than just one good Pope to bring about the much needed change.

We firmly believe that once a priest is always a priest. All the priests who left active priesthood are still priests because the ordination (like baptism and the confirmation), cannot be undone. Hence the question if they are still priests is meaningless.

These priests (wrongly referred to as ‘ex-priests’), have to answer the call from several parts of the world, from baptised people in order to help them in their walk of faith. Such a priest cannot refuse to offer his services (as stated in the law of the church – please refer to 21 laws which justify the use of married priests).