Tag Archive: priest shows his penis


I am Rose. I was reading the Maltese Married Priests website again, and one of the posts- the one on relationships, really helped me. Of course, all these simple logical things, such as communication seem so obvious – I would have seen all these things regarding other peoples relationships. With myself however, I’ve been pretty blind.

A couple of horribly painful events happened a couple months ago between the priest I’ve written to you about and myself. Ever since I’ve been healing – slowly, very slowly, but still feel caught in a cycle of frustration, anger and pain. It gets better, but then worse, and while I know it is necessary to give things time, I don’t want to fall into wasting any more time on grief or baseless hope than has actually been necessary. I usually try to keep everything as “bottom line up front” when I write to you, but unfortunately this time I doubt I’ll be able to with this article.

A couple months ago, I learned that the priest would be moved to a new parish. I expected it, and had been waiting for it with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I felt deep sadness and fear at him leaving – on the other, relief, that my activities at that parish wouldn’t any more chance running into him and I would have some peace at least.  But I won’t lie, the pain was stronger than the peace.  It made me think back to all those most painful times in my life, as all of us have, where I thought, “I don’t know what to do. How do I even ‘be’ in this?” It’s almost like falling between the cracks of existence, frozen. Here I was, almost having become a nun the year before, not having done so because of how my love for this man changed me, and he was about to be ripped out of my life. All the while, we’d said nothing about it to each other.  I could see and feel the intensity of the battle he was in – he would look at me as though I were an angel descending from heaven one minute and there was a lightness and joy about him, and then next he would become harsh and heavy and look at me as though I were a nuisance at best and poisonous snake at worst. I tried my best to be myself, while still concealing my feelings for him. The negative reactions increased, and one mass I attended that he happened to be celebrating, he saw me sneak in late in the back of the church, and his entire posture changed. He went from cool, collected and preachy, to frustrated and angry. During the consecration I could almost feel the heat of it burning my way. He didn’t have to say it or even look my way, I knew it was directed at me.  He was livid at my presence, and the intensity of it actually did frighten me.

At the young adult group I volunteered with – which he had been helping as well, I was scheduled to give a talk with another friend  on what would be his last day there. Other group leaders decided to make the night from being just talks to also a farewell and thank you for the priest. I thought that of all those days they could have scheduled me to speak that summer, I was scheduled as the very last person he would hear give a talk before he left. So strange, creepy almost  – no coincidences, right? Up to the morning before the talk, I literally made myself sick with worry over the whole situation between the two of us – especially the pain and fear of losing his presence in my life. I begged God, all day, for help. To be selfless – to give, even in this void of having nothing to give, and to in my power make the night the most encouraging and loving for him, and also for others who would hear my talk. I was terrified – of losing him, but also of giving a talk in front of  40 or so people. For a naturally shy person like myself, the latter alone is no small feat.

I decided to speak about “Healing our image of God”, prepared most of it that morning, and stopped at a friends request to pick up some snacks for the farewell. I pushed myself, to the deepest part of my core – to give, to remind myself that its times like this where giving really counts. I grabbed snacks I knew the priest in particular liked, and didn’t tell anyone about all the extra time and thought I was putting into making that night as best as I could for everyone.  I’d heard that the priest had wanted a group photo with the group a couple days before (even though they’d previously taken one), and decided immediately that I shouldn’t be in it. I don’t mean that in some kind of dramatized way – but that it left me unsettled – it felt off – like it was some kind of “trophy” to him, and I wanted no part of it. I assumed I’d be able to slip out after the night was done before they’d take the photo, and it would be no big deal.

The night began late – due to the farewell for the priest, and so my friend who was speaking before me started his talk late. As he began speaking, I realized how full the room was – there was at least 50 people. When it came time for me to speak, my friend introduced me with, “and Rose will be speaking on women’s spirituality..” I told him thank you, and then to the group that I would actually be speaking about a necessary base for both men’s and women’s spirituality, just from a woman’s perspective. I could hear the priest stifle a sarcastic laugh in the back of the room to someone, and they chuckled along. He’d kept a wide birth all evening, keeping far from me, and sitting himself as far back from me as he could. The laugh stung – “why would he act that way?” I thought. Was it “from the woman’s perspective?” that annoyed him? Was it issues with women? I was already so nervous speaking in front of the group, that I pushed it down in my mind and began the talk. To give a super short summary – I focused on how men and women must first and foremost have a healthy image of God before everything else, and it was deep. Emotionally, spiritually, it went straight to the core, and I could see the reactions in the group. In the back, the priest looked down most of the time – uncomfortably so. Especially when I said, “Until we make that 18 inch journey from our heads to our hearts, we’ll never be able to evangelize”. Towards the end of the talk, we were already running late, and I resolved to finish up as quickly as possible, so I could leave, and the others could all leave for the picture. Either way, previous talks have gone over by half an hour or more, so I didn’t think there to be a serious rush. I saw the priest sneak up the side of the room, and whisper to a group leader in the front of the room, and go back to his seat in the back. The leader soon afterwards said, “we’re going to have to leave soon, some people have to go and want to be in the picture.” I looked back and saw a couple people who had come together, looking ants. The priest said, “They have to leave soon but they want to be in the picture.”  I responded to the group, “Oh, OK, 60 seconds, I’ll wrap up with the conclusion quickly…” thinking it would be easiest for everyone, as no one would have to come back down to finish the talk up.  Another woman in the front, speaking harshly suddenly said, “Rose we need to go now.” I was surprised at her tone, she’d never spoken to me in that way before. It was actually mean – as another friend observing later told me. I tried to keep light, and responded with, “OK OK, wrapping up, seriously it will be super quick….” Before I could get another word in, the priest, without getting up, sat forward harshly in his chair, threw his arm forward towards the door and demanded, ordered, ” No, we’re going NOW.” I was shocked. It was really really rude.

The whole room was in a stunned kind of silence, and then everyone started getting out of their seats, zombie-like almost, and started walking out the door to the chapel. The same woman ordered me in that same tone, “Rose, come take the picture..” as she walked by and out the door. A good friend of mine, another woman who had been sitting in the front and who I’d confided in about my feelings for the priest, took my hand in hers and we walked out with the group. I almost went with the flow, numbed with pain, I was walking the same direction as everyone else, but split off into the women’s bathroom as we passed it by. I stood in there, and I prayed. I thought about just going up, thinking they’d think I was being difficult over the talk by not being in the photo or something, but I resolved not to, because it would have been from a place of fear. I had peace standing in there praying, so I stayed.

When people came back down, many wanted to hear the end of the talk. The priest hadn’t returned. Before I could get a word in, my other friend, the friend who had given the talk before me, cut across me, and said, “now we’ll have a question and answer session”.  As people asked me questions, and I responded, I could see this same friend looking at me in my peripheral vision, and he was fuming. Towards me. These “friends” all of sudden had this intense anger towards me since I’d begun the talk.  Afterwards, I spoke with others, who informed me that the priest would be celebrating a night mass before leaving in the morning. I decided to go – to not be afraid, even though I was racked with pain. At mass, he was mad. As he had been at the mass before, but now even more so. As he read the gospel, he accusingly spat out, “beware of false prophets, they come to you in sheep’s clothing, but really they are ravenous wolves..” – “my talk?”, I wondered. I almost cringed at his words, he sounded so angry. Then during the homily, he mentioned me by name, “…as Rose said in her talk…” – the whole thing, was just – a mess. “Why are you drawing more attention to me?” I wondered

The next day I spoke with my friend who I’d confided my feelings for the priest in, and she told me when everyone went up for the picture, the priest made an unnecessary point to “apologize for my absence” and hoped I hadn’t been offended by him cutting off the talk. He then proceeded to run out after the picture and write a long post to the group page on Facebook, making a particular note to “thank everyone who gave talks (including Rose tonight….) She told me, “Rose, last night should have told you everything you need to know about him, even if there are feelings there. You don’t need someone like that.” I could see at that point, how selfish he’d been that night, and then he tried to cover it all up, by dragging my name through the mud, publicly, three times.

I apologize….this is already so long, I’ll try to wrap it up here. But you know Rev, what was the worst thing? After the priest had done everything he’d done, others were accusing me of “not keeping time well”, and were angry towards me. My friend I’d confided in told me, “Rose, when you were speaking, it was like you were a pillar of peace, and around you, all these people erupted into a storm. The whole thing was surreal.” And when everything was all said and done, no one did anything to defend me, and many of the people who I’d been friends with before the talk, spoke to me differently afterwards. Cautiously, at a distance almost. My friend is right – it is surreal.

These are my conclusions, when all is said and done, and I wanted to run both them, and this story I’ve just recounted by you, because I don’t want to live in my head or in a fantasy, and waste any of this precious life that God has given me. I would love to hear any wisdom or insight you may have, if you think it sounds like I am in any way out of bounds or imagining things. Here goes:

I was drawn to the goodness in this priest, and especially his deep feelings for me. As time went on, and they grew, on his and then on my part, it was something I’d never imagined possible – euphoric, wonderful, and full of joy. Then, he felt himself “falling too far”, and has been stuffing the feelings down. Denying them. But it came to the point that my mere presence disturbed him, and like that last night after the picture, he literally had to run out. My talk disturbed him, and others, because so many need healing in the area of their images of God, and they reacted in some ways almost violently – if only in words.

This whole thing remains a mess, as I’ve said before, in my mind and heart. You’ve said it before, and the priests actions proved it – that he is immature – and indeed still far from real love. His good name and popularity that night was more important than me. Rev, I’ve been trying so so hard to end the feelings for him. But they persist. I’m not even at the point of hating having feelings for him still, after all he’s done and said. I feel like I should, but I don’t. And I still am reminded of him often in the day, and I hope he’s not unhappy. That he won’t be trapped in this forever. And yes, that small, stubborn part of me still wonders if he’ll wake up one day with new eyes to truly see, and that the strong intuition I had when I first met him will prove its meaning as something meant to happen between us.

Ah, I don’t want to waste time! Please, I don’t know how to navigate this whole thing, and how to let go, as I should. My friend told me, “Rose, he doesn’t deserve to know you loved him!” I read so many stories of train wrecks between women and priests, and how women hold on, despite all logic’s warning. This priest too, is caught up in that world – in this spiritual ego rat race, while “constantly dodging the fear of hell”. As you’ve said about other priests – still far from real love.

What happened to Catholics,  Christians for that matter who actually know Jesus? Where is that loving community? Don’t get me wrong, I know I sound a little gloomy at the moment, but I’m constantly searching for that church of the first Christians who were so on fire with Christ’s love. So many people are. If anyone searching saw how “Catholics” had treated me that night, and they were searching in earnest, they wouldn’t want anything to do with Jesus or His Church. 

I have hope….It just hurts, so much. Everything. And I know my share, is only a tiny fraction of the pain of this giant tumour in the Church.

Thank you, once again, for listening patiently, and for supporting those of us learning to love in some of the most difficult trials.

The adults in faith.

I shall be happy when I’ll grow up; I shall be happy when I’ll get a job; I shall be happy when I’ll have a man/woman……the list goes on and on. It’s the feeling of somebody who is being alienated of today’s joy and challenges by hoping in a better future! He is after the pie in the sky. Is not this the universal feeling in the Catholic Church? Some journalists had commented about the synod (meeting of a selection of Catholic bishops). The synod has come and gone. Now they are saying that the next synod (2015) will bring about the desired results. And then if that synod will not reap the desired results….shall we wait for the following synod 2016? What sort of game are they playing? Are we expected to base our life’s happiness or expectations on what others desire? Do we want to play kids all our life?

The adult is the stage when a person is capable of taking decisions and face the consequences. When will that time come in the Catholic Church? Why are we waiting for somebody to decide about our spiritual lives? Experience tells us that each and every time that we based our decisions on what others expect of us or what might make them happy, sooner or later we’ll regret that decision.

Spirituality is not something which could be passed on. Just ask responsible parents who do all the necessary things to pass on their faith, yet their kids simply don’t want to hear anything which has to do with the Catholic Church. Everyone of us has to walk on his/her own. You can indicate or show the way, yet the person has to walk the way, all alone. That’s why it’s for adults.

Now when it comes to educating people in faith, this has been one of the greatest sins in the Catholic Church especially when it comes to families. People were never taught how to pray on their own, let alone contact God. They had formulas, but never a personal prayer. It was not just about spirituality. The priests pretended to command what goes on between married people especially when it comes to intimate relationships. The biggest fault in the so called natural method was that it was based simply on the body’s temperature. There is no regard for feelings or the stage at which the relationship has developed. We want to say it out loud: it’s not simply of having or not having children, it’s about the couple who have to know where they are and how deep their relationship is, first and foremost. This is for the good of the couple and indirectly for any offspring which might come along the way. Now nobody can give an answer to that except the couple itself.

It’s not simply about body language. This applies to the spirituality in all its aspects. The priests always presented themselves as experts or know-it-all. The people were never educated to find their way in the big spiritual world. They were kept like small, innocent children! Now the signs of the times have indicated that the people of God are adults in faith. Now as adults they are capable of taking decisions and abide by them.

Now are we going to respect them as adults? This should be of utmost importance especially when it comes to discussing families in the Catholic Church. We are not happy of simply accepting gays/lesbians or divorced people. Obviously indirectly there is still the intention that they are great sinners. The Catholic Church should do much more than that. It should respect the spiritual walk of each person. If we try to apply some rules to everybody, that means that we are photocopying people as there won’t be any respect for individuality nor of the unique spiritual journey of each person.

Some people are still of the mentality that the teaching of the church should not change. Well in our seminary days, it was highly emphasized that the Second Vatican Council (meeting for all bishops of the world – 1963-1965), documented that the pastoral work was not simply the applying of some principles to everyday life as some priests still imply today!! But it’s finding God in the daily living, struggles, challenges, sins, injustices, faults etc…..and after making and gaining experience one can formulate the theory. This is one of the biggest truth finding in the last century. It’s not destructing the principles but bringing them to perfection. How can God create humans who might be gays or lesbians and than we say that they are intrinsically bad? Are they not God’s creations?

We just mentioned some issues but actually it applies to all of the teaching of the Catholic church. Married people are still being addressed to instead of being part of the process where they formulate teaching. The change won’t happen unless there is the change in attitude. The change of attitude is speeded up by the adults in faith who boldly show the way forward. They won’t wait for others to understand them, but rather be leaders, and leaders are there to show the way. Consequently we are not waiting for the Pope to announce something new because as married priests we are already leading the way. We don’t try to reach out to families (as the most optimistic faithful expect the synod to do), we have a family ourselves where we can experience God in our everyday lives. At the moment we’re all painting and decorating our house where paint, dust, sheets of plastic etc….is all over our place!!

In Malta we are looking for a new bishop. If you want to have some fun, why not nominate a married catholic priest? Please note that they won’t acknowledge your request. Most probably they would simply put it in the dustbin.

It’s so easy to see yet so difficult to hear about. The church (in this case we refer to the bishops and the Pope), is trying to listen to what families have to say during this synod  (meeting between a selection of Catholic bishops from all over the world). It unknowingly implies that ‘family’ is coming from outer space! What happened that made priests so alienated and far away from the today’s families? Why were some families ‘forced’ to tell the bishops everyday happenings? Is it so difficult to hear the same messages from people in their own diocese? (diocese is the physical area where the bishop is responsible for all Catholics) Or is it Pope Francis who took off the lid from the boiling kettle? In our opinion we are simply amazed why such common stories are making the round of the world as if we have discovered a new planet!

All this could have been avoided, if there was a permanent link between the priests and the family. In this case we make a fresh appeal: Why not introduce married priests in order to have the family an integral part of the church, permanently? There won’t be all this effort to make the family part and parcel of the church! In this case, then we would focus on only one aspect at a time. In fact some bishops are trying to tell journalists that it’s not just about divorce and living with somebody outside the sacrament of matrimony. Obviously all the married people of the world know that marriage is much more than those two issues. It’s the Catholic Church which is simply discriminating against people who are LGBT; divorced and unmarried people. All other people (murderers; bankers; blasphemers; perjurers; corrupters etc…..it’s an endless list) could receive Holy Communion and be seen as part of the community!!! So it’s not the journalists who are focusing into just two issues!!!

Secondly if the people feel that these two issues should come up for discussion……who is going to refuse? Who knows if the voice of the people is being gently touched by the Holy Spirit? We should thank these people, that notwithstanding the harsh treatment from the Catholic Church, they still seek reconciliation and communication with God!! Do we make a difference between a person who does not recognise authority and a person who is seeing the reading on the wall? We feel the need to define the Word of God. We’re afraid that we’re still stuck to the book. We firmly believe that the Bible is the word of God. But we firmly believe too that God is not in a prison (bible). God could use anybody to send us his message..including the common people who although they have not studied theology, yet, like small children, they can listen to the soft murmurings of the Holy Spirit.

In Sundays’ readings during the celebration of the Eucharist, we notice that they rarely mention the married life, a common reality for most of the people in the pews! When will we have a revision about the choice of readings during the Eucharist to reflect the married state of most Catholics?

The church of Jesus was all inclusive. He never put somebody away….He knew beforehand about Judas and his evil intentions yet he didn’t put him away!! So on what grounds do we intend to put people away? And why some and not all sinners?! Who would be in the church if we start to put people away because of their sins? This is the question we humbly ask to people who still insist that divorced people should stay away from the Eucharist (spiritual food).

One of the families simply said: our son asked us to bring over his boyfriend for Christmas. We couldn’t say no because he is our son. Sorry for coming back to the same argument. Married priests live these issues day in day out. Some married priests have gay sons or lesbian daughters. In that case they are not just simply delivering a homily for others but they do live all the excitement and trouble of such a challenge. Married priesthood will ensure that the priest focuses on real issues in time and not wait for a synod to discuss what other people (us included) have been saying for many years!!

We just invite you to visit the links provided as they help you in your spiritual journey. We encourage other readers to send us their love stories with priests in order to make the whole world aware of what really happens when some priests amply prove that celibacy should not be mixed up with priesthood. Let’s make it optional!