My name is Audrey. My priest’s name is Joe. I’ve had a massive crush on one of the younger priests at my parish for several years now (for the record, I’m 26 and he’s 31). A while back, I asked him to be my spiritual director, and since then, he’s answered many of my questions and concerns and helped me discern several personal issues I’ve been struggling with. On the surface, our relationship overall has been reasonably normal. However, I’m “secretly” absolutely head over heels for him, and it’s not solely because he’s a priest as I’ve never crushed on any other clergy (I work for the parish, so I know/have known/have interacted with many.) In fact, he’s the only person I’ve truly been attracted to in over 7 years.

Earlier this week, he and I were teasing each other, apart from a major difficulty I’ve been facing recently (my desire for power/control, facilitated by lust – which is directed at him [but i didn’t mention that bit]), and it led down some…rather spicy rabbit holes. I was caught off guard when he asked for details (again, I didn’t mention him in those details at that point), and he seemed intrigued by what I told him about various kinky fantasies I have, such as feeling an immensely pleasurable rush at the thought of choking someone [him]..although in retrospect he was probably searching for the reasons for the lust so we could work on resolving them. Needless to say, I answered with gusto, but, as you can imagine, my problem has gotten considerably worse because the conversation wildly prodded my lust-buttons. No joke at all. I had to restrain myself from leaping up and kissing (!) him there and then. Notwithstanding, I kept my cucumber coolness as well as I could, and our session ended with prayers as usual.

Armed with plenty of new, nasty thoughts, and eager to continue our discussion, I asked to see him a few days later. When we sat down in his house again, I was completely giddy, and my heart was pounding as I fidgeted nervously on the couch. I began by saying that I wanted to clarify some of the things we’d talked about the last time. I looked him dead in the eye and told him those crazy thoughts were all about him, and that I love him.

To my surprise, he wasn’t taken aback. He said he had known already. Friends, I’m not subtle, and I’m a flirt machine when I see somethin’ I like. Nonetheless, I fully expected him to tell me to leave and that we could never meet again – but, he said it was ok for me to stay as long as I promised to work on resolving my over-arching problems with control. He also candidly admitted that it’s “happened before” (?) and that, of course, he can never marry…which was amusing because I only said that I loved him, not that I wanted to marry him. But alas. we ended with prayers, and I audaciously asked for “a hug…just a small one?” he complied with palpable reluctance. It was so worth it.

That last session left me feeling enormously conflicted. I had initially assumed that, in my head, we had “broken up” and I’d to move on…but instead, it’s intensified my desire for him another hundredfold, fuelled by his continued offer to help me find peace (his own words.) I’ve seen him since then – at Mass a few times and reconciliation – and he doesn’t seem annoyed, disturbed or otherwise affronted by me. However, I feel that our dynamic has changed: we catch eyes more than we did before my affection-confession, but that’s probably just me being extra weird.

As with the rest of you ladies (and gents), I know this has been and continues to be an exercise in futility, and I would honestly be mortified to strip the Church of one of her priests (and an exceptional one at that), and yet, the selfish lasciviousness blazes on, and I can only look forward to the next time we have an uncomfortably awkward interaction.

I wish to thank our contributor for this week. Thanks to some people who are not afraid of sharing, we can move on in our spiritual journey. To you dear readers to discuss (peacefully) our last romantic story on this blog. Happy Reading!

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